So Hard to Make Them Fly
by Nicole Lo
Summary: It was like their bodies had their own special song—far away from their past mistakes, their failed high school romance—it was like their bodies were longing for some sort of … intimacy, a touch, shared thoughts, secrets, and everything in between.
1. Dreams, inconsistent

So Hard to Make Them Fly

Chapter One: Dreams, inconsistent

Summary: Angela can't bring herself to forgive Rayanne and has lost all of her friends as a result of it. The only constant in her life is her faux relationship with Jordan which becomes more and more intense, making her want to give it another try.

She sat mesmerized by the way his fingers grazed the strings. It was like the fluidity of a waterfall, maneuvering with such care and with hints of a talent given by a higher power. With one quick strum of the guitar, she was gone. With another, she was his.

This is where Angela had spent the past few nights, watching whatever shows Jordan and his new group played. She watched with accusing eyes, which revealed that she knew about him and Rayanne.

Anytime she had the courage to change her view from his guitar, the very essence of his beauty, to his face, Jordan was staring back at her, but it wasn't with his usual blank stare. Instead, she saw a worry on his face that bordered to fear.

He would look at her, all his guards stripped away, letting her in. Angela looked away as she recognized the shift in the tempo, key, and mood of the piece. She held her breath for a moment and closed her eyes. 'Red.'

With a few lyrics about red hair, Jordan had made her think that he was referring to her. Even with all the mixed emotions of hate for him, and jealousy that Rayanne had been intimate on a level with Jordan that Angela hadn't reached, she continued to go to their shows. Wherever they were, whatever plans she had made … it didn't stand for anything.

Like a drug addict, she was consumed with him. She needed her fix. Her path and Jordan's would not diverge. As the song came to an end, Angela noticed that the music had stopped playing. Jordan's voice droned over the microphone. He was closing the show.

As quickly as she could, Angela paid her tab and took her coat. She needed to get out before they were done to avoid being face to face with him. There were a plethora of emotions running through her at the moment, the foremost being infatuation.

"Thanks." Angela smiled at her waitress Cindy. She was only a few years older than Angela, 19 and a high school drop out.

"Take it easy kiddo." Cindy answered as Angela rushed towards the exit. Phew, she had made it. As Angela pulled on her thick, black gloves, she felt that she wasn't alone. The air had changed that quickly, within a few seconds.

"Catalano!" Someone yelled as Angela determined that she would _not _turn around, never mind the strong art of her that was begging for it—a few seconds of seeing him face-to-face. Maybe she wouldn't turn around completely, but just a little bit. If she made her move small enough, Angela could get another look at Jordan without him even noticing her.

Angela had been standing still for so long, she barely noticed the awkward angle that her body was tilting, but how much did that matter when her main infatuation was just a few feet away from her? Angela was just so focused on Jordan.

The way the small lines creased his forehead whenever he was around his friends, just a little, like his silence had this like this huge meaning. Angela watched in awe as her gaze met his and for a moment she could swear that she could see Jordan for who he really was—raw, untamed, and with an untouched beauty that called to her.

His eyes were pleading her, _digging _through her very skin for the same type of salvation, redemption that which was not yet ready to give.

As Angela turned her body away from his, ever so slightly, she heard a small clanking sound. The small purse, which she had jus gotten into the habit for keeping, tumbled to the ground, toppling all the contents it once contained.

In a frantic hurry, Angela rushed to put everything back in its place. Just like that, she had been brought back into the real world, awoken from all her dreamlike thoughts. Angela didn't know Jordan Catalano and she just had to face that. He was like practically a stranger. Her earlier display, the staring, would just chase him away and make her a freak.

"Hmm." Angela turned to face Jordan for the second time that night. His icy blue eyes were looking way, down at her spilt lipstick, wallet, and condom Rayanne had given her for luck. In fact, everything in that purse screamed "Rayanne Graft" not Angela Chase.

"Sorry. I'm a klutz." Angela muttered, not bothering to cover up the condom, hoping that it would make Jordan think things that weren't true about her. Then, she felt stupid for admitting that to him.

With a swift motion, all of the items had been swept back into her bag.

Angela observed his muscular hands again, realizing that they had never been this close before … not in a way that like … counted. Hand by hand. Nose by nose, feeling his breathe intertwine and dance with hers. It was like their bodies had their own special song—far away from their past mistakes, their failed high school romance—it was like their bodies were longing for some sort of … intimacy, a _touch_, shared thoughts, secrets, and everything in between.

Jordan looked at Angela with a small smirk, handing her the purse.

"Thanks." Angela squeaked, disappointed that that moment had passed.

"Uh-huh." Jordan whispered as his hand brushed hers ever so slightly. It lingered there for a while, between fully embracing her hand and between touching the air. Jordan was just … paused like he was going to utter the words that Angela had been longing to hear—"Let's go somewhere."

But, with the summoning of band mate Tino, Jordan was out. The whole thing couldn't have taken more than two minutes, but for Angela it was permanently engrained into her brain. She just sighed, not because she was relieved, but because she was disappointed.

"Good job Chase."

"Talking to yourself now Angela?" Sharon walked to the back of club and stopped to talk to her once- best friend.

"Nobody else is around anymore." Angela looked down, unable to face Sharon.

"I'm not here to make you feel bad Angela. That won't change anything … well, actually it'll make me feel better." Sharon smiled. "I'm really here to ask you a huge favor."

"I hope it's nothing too big." Angela sighed.

"Just … will you share a cab with me?" Sharon asked still smiling so hard that no one would know what she was really thinking. "But, I don't have any money with me. I walked down here--

" Sharon, are insane? Something could have happened to you. This is downtown."

"I came from my boyfriend's house." Sharon answered, as Angela nodded, trying not to look down. Of the things she had heard about Robbie, none of them were good, and by the look of desperation Sharon was giving her now, there was some truth to that.

"Look Sharon, I know we aren't friends are anything, but it's okay with me if you want to stay over."

"Really?" Sharon's face lit up instantly.

"Yeah. My list of friends is running a little low right now."

(A/N: I need reviews please. What do you think of it? I know I need to get off the Angela-Jordan thing, but … whatever. I hope you like it. And don't be scared to be honest in your reviews or to review at all. I just like to know that people are reading and have an opinion about what I write. –NL)


	2. We Have Forgotten How it used to be

Chapter Two: We Have Forgotten How it Used to Be

* * *

"Mom, can Sharon stay the night?" Angela asked as the two piled into the house with the awkward silence still following them.

" Sharon? Sure honey." Ms. Chase answered happy not to be hearing Rayanne's name mentioned so much in the house. She and her husband exchanged looks of surprise while the two teenage girls rushed up the steps.

"Do you remember where everything is? I know it's been a while..." Angela began feeling this strong urge to be a friend to Sharon, something she hadn't felt in a while.

"I remember Angela." Sharon sighed, walking into Angela's room and trying to find a place for her purse, but there was stuff everywhere, literally. Sharon started to ask her something, but realized that she was the only one who had walked into the bedroom.

"Okay." She muttered to herself looking around. This was _not _the Angela she remembered. Sharon found herself observing the contents of the room very closely.

Plaid button-down shirts, old fliers from the club they had just been to, … a _Nirvana _CD. Sharon felt like she had just entered an alternative universe. It sort of was. Neither of them where the sweet little girls they had been not too long again. Life had been—

"Here." Angela tossed a long t-shirt to Sharon. "For you to sleep in."

Sharon nodded, watching Angela maneuver seamlessly about the messy room as she waited until the coast was clear. She didn't want Angela to know, or to ask things.

This was Sharon's problem. "Can you knock before you come in … not trying to be bossy or anything, but I heard a few things about you and Rayanne _together _and I don't want you to get the wrong idea. I like boys."

Angela just nodded and scurried out of the room, closing the door with a force that shook the room, just slightly, but enough so that Sharon knew that Angela was less than thrilled.

Sharon shrugged. So what if she had made a snooty comment? She grabbed the night shirt in her hands, carefully removing her jumper dress. Pausing before putting on the pajamas, Sharon couldn't help but look at it. It made her nauseous to think about it and it was growing. To know that there was something growing _inside _of her that she couldn't stop drove Sharon insane.

A little Sharon and Bobby. How disgusting. She had to keep this secret as long as possible. Maybe she would be one of those girls that never looked pregnant. No one would have to know.

Her stomach barely looked any bigger and at least three months had passed. Sharon had this urge to touch it, to see if it was real or if she had just been imagining it. That kept happening and she hated it, she wouldn't touch it. Sharon wouldn't.

"You won't win." She whispered down to her silent belly, which seemed to smile in its eerie silence. "Shut up!" Sharon yelled her voice echoing in the room. She needed to get out of this reality and quick.

Sitting on the bed dolefully, nearly jumping up from the severe pain she was feeling on her lower back. Sharon had pushed it from her mind, the way Bobby had thrust her against the wall. Sometimes he got carried away.

"Knock knock. You done?" Angela's annoyed voice asked as Sharon tossed the shirt over her head.

"Sure." She answered after a short pause.

"You can sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor." Angela muttered.

"No, it's yours. What I said before was so like … not cool. We can share. Just like we used to." Sharon answered as Angela shrugged, sliding onto the left side of the bed.

"You know there's like no room, right?" Angela asked, feeling constrained to the one spot she had placed her body in.

"Can I ask you something Angela … like something real?" Sharon wondered, her mind racing like crazy.

"As long as I don't have to answer it."

"Are you still into Jordan Caralano?" Sharon finally asked after a long pause. "You were at his music thing tonight and that's totally not your scene."

"I enjoy the music."

"Oh. It's just … one of my friends, you know Catalina, is like really into him and she wanted me to know out if he's seeing anyone." Sharon continued.

"We're not together." Angela answered emotionlessly, hiding it in her voice and keeping it all bottled up inside.

"But are you _into _him?"

"Jordan Catalano is an ass. He's no good for me and we're like from completely different sides of the … thing … You know what I mean Sharon. No and no. Stop asking me about him. I'm going to sleep."

* * *

By the time school rolled around again on Monday morning, it was as though the entire weekend didn't even happen, like Sharon didn't stay over and they didn't have a reconnection, well … almost. Let's just say, Sharon didn't waste any time getting back to normal.

Angela watched her with Bobby who had her pulled so close to him that it looked like a death grip. Sharon didn't seem to mind though. She also didn't seem to notice Angela who had literally saved her butt that weekend.

Oh well, such was life. Angela turned her attention back to her chipped navy blue painted locker that she once shared with Rayanne, but now had the luxury of having to split with no one.

It did make the locker more spacious, a little less messy, and it didn't have that booze, cigarette smell that was synonymous to Rayanne Graff, but it was all too reminiscent of that boring cute blonde girl that had no clue how to adjust to high school.

And even now she still had that same lost little doe look. The red hair had been growing out and Angela thought it was for the best, but now that her edgy façade was fading, Angela wanted more.

She needed to find out who she was and obviously, this was a task that was going to be done solo. No wingmen of any kind to aid her in the journey. That was alright. Angela still had her petty high school obsessions and now her mom was on her back about the SATs and which college she wanted to go to.

Angela had _plenty _to occupy her thoughts, but nothing raced through her mind more than Jordan. "Hey." She mouthed as he gazed at her and smiled.

Angela started to say something else until she noticed an athletic Indian girl brush past her.

"Hey you." Jordan greeted her with the same smile he had given Angela. She cowered away, leaning on the nearest locker, trying to pretend like she wasn't watching their every move.

The girl turned her back to Angela so that she could no longer see what they were doing or hear what they were saying, but even an idiot could see the on-going flirtation.

Now, Angela was really losing it inside. She knew that there was someone there watching, someone who had the same questions as Sharon, who just wanted to know the real deal and Jordan.

At that moment, Angela wanted to be invisible. She was already feeling invisible, but everyone could see her waiting around in the corner for Jordan as he continued to become more and more involved in this girl and less aware of Angela's existence.

Something kept Angela there. It was like holding your breath and waiting for your deepest desires to come true. Angela would have held her breath forever if it meant that Jordan would look at her. He didn't even have to say anything or apologize for what he had done. Angela just wanted him to _look _at her, see into her mind, her thoughts, and world.

Once Jordan and the girl cleared the hallway Angela could finally breathe again, but now that she could, she didn't want to. She guessed that her dream wouldn't be coming true anytime soon, at least not today.

She roamed through the hallway, aware that the late bell had already rung, but studying the crevices of her shoes so carefully that she didn't even notice the path she was taking. Angela didn't really care.

High school was just like a repeat of a bad day sometimes, and the boring teachers with their boring lectures … like God did they think anyone would care? Like Angela would be thinking about Shakespeare's characterization of Lady Macbeth or Beowulf. God, life could be so like … predictable and mediocre.

Angela's feet dragged even slower at the prospect of having to spend more hours being "educated" so when her shoulder collided with someone else's body, she stumbled backwards. "Sorry." She mumbled.

"No. It was like totally my fault." The person answered causing Angela to look up, wondering who would be so apologetic.

"Hi, Angela." Brian Krakow looked at her. For once, she took the time to look back and noticed how … down he looked, like something had beaten him up or something. He was like wearing the same dorky button-down shirts all tucked in, but his stance was a little less dignified, his posture a little flawed which was more than just a little unlike Brian Krakow.

"Hey Krakow." She sighed in response, looking back down at the ground. Soon after, the second late bell rang. "You're late."

"Yeah … I have a pass." He held up the pink slip in his hand.

"Oh."

"You could like … have it if you wanted." Brian offered, not taking his eyes off of Angela for a second since they bumped into one another. Angela, being trapped in the ongoing circles and scenarios that floated through her brain, could only truly think about one thing, Jordan. "Do you want it?"

"What?" She wondered, distracted.

"My pass. It'll excuse you from being late. Take it." Brian handed Angela the paper.

"Are you trying to buy my friendship Krakow?"

"Do you have many choices … like … you're number of friends is like limited."

"That's a nice way of saying non-existent. Why don't you just keep your pass, wouldn't want to mess up your perfect attendance record or whatever." Angela handed it back.

"Thanks." Brian accepted the paper back, his hand slightly touching hers as the paper transferred back to its previous owner. He paused to watch Angela slowly drudge through the hallways as though she were avoiding her death bed or something.

He watched in admiration and concern, admiration because she was so brave and concern because Brian could see that Angela was all alone and he didn't want her to feel that way. He just wanted to help her in any way possible, whatever he could do, he'd do without hesitation.

(A/N: It's a late update, but please review this chapter anyway. Love and kisses! –NL)

* * *


	3. Am I in Love with This?

Chapter Three: Am I in Love with This

Angela Chase didn't get it. Maybe it was because Brian wasn't been clear enough or he was being _too _clear. She was in this world that he often looked at, but never got to fully be apart of.

The only time Brian got a taste of Angela's world was when he wrote those letters for Jordan. By lying to her, he made Angela happy and to see her happy made him happy, sort of.

It didn't' numb the pain of knowing that she would never look at him the way she did with Jordan and it was just so frustrating. Before, Brian would just block it out by memorizing some impossible physics equation or free writing in French, but here he was in his favorite class, Calculus II, and all Brian could think was that Angela was just a few doors down.

He wondered what she was doing, if she was tucking her hair behind her ears or maybe she was twisting it around her fingers nervously. What Brian wouldn't do to get a whiff of that hair, its smell … like fresh, authentic virgin apples.

"Brian, could you solve this equation?" Mr. Mullens called his favorite pupil to the board.

"Umm …" Brian's tried to focus back on school. "May I be excused?" He asked, as the teacher nodded, not saying anything as Brian took all of this things with him. Class would end in five minutes anyway and it would be lunch time. Brian would see Angela again, unless she'd skipped school again.

Bobby held Sharon tightly, close to him. That's where she belonged in his mind. When she left that night it really freaked him out and he thought she wouldn't come back. After what had happened, Sharon shouldn't have come back, but she did and Bobby was thrilled.

"I love you." He whispered into her ear as she nodded and smiled uncomfortably, mimicking his words back.

"I love you too."

"Prove it." Bobby demanded playfully.

"I don't want to get in trouble." Sharon muttered back.

"Well, I love you and I'm not afraid to show it. Why are you afraid?"

"I'm not scared Bobby." Sharon rolled her eyes as a yucky taste entered her mouth. "I just don't think we need to broadcast it to the world." She reached for his hand, comfortingly.

"Don't touch me." Bobby yelled sharply, pushing her off.

"Bobby…"

"Look, it's obvious that something's going on with you. You're hiding something from me and I _will _find out what it is." Bobby scoffed. "If you were smart, you'd tell me before I found out, AND got too mad."

"It's nothing. I'm sorry, okay?" Sharon pleaded, wrapping her arms around his neck and looking at his face, not his eyes, she was too afraid that her eyes might give it all away.

"Good." Bobby kissed her powerfully. "Baby, you're shaking. What's wrong?"

"Just feeling a little weak. I missed A lunch." She lied, kissing Bobby back, lingering just a little.

"You have art third period right?"

"Yeah … so?" Sharon shrugged.

"Mr. Dummier can't stay awake for more than thirty minutes at a time. Sneak out the last part of class and I'll take you to get something to eat."

"I can't. I'm practically failing that class and … I've got cheer practice."

"Fine. Whatever." Bobby rolled his eyes, pushing Sharon off him roughly before marching down the hallways. Sharon took a deep breath. If nothing else, at least that was over with.

Angela couldn't stand being in class. Every minute in there was passed by clock watching and note passing, but since she wasn't really talking to anyone right now, notes were out. And time seemed to stand still, but not in a good way but a totally gut-wrenching dreadful way.

So instead of nodding and pretending to listen like everyone else, Angel had done the smart thing and gotten a pass. She had to endure fifteen minutes of lesson introduction, but this was totally worth it.

Freedom. But now the problem was that she didn't know what to do with it. Yesterday was a complete disaster, and the day before that and so on until it added up to a week and some days. And it was mostly Jordan's fault.

Angela couldn't get him out of her mind. She kept replaying the scene at the club where he caught her watching him. Angela so wished that she could go back there again. The weekend wasn't the same without it, but now that he knew that she was there Angela couldn't just walk in there and watch him, _enjoy _him like she longed to.

Instead, she watched over to the place where they used to go and sneak kisses. Under the bleachers. Angela pretended to be one of the students in gym class and when no one was looking, she make a break for it, bumping into the bleachers and nearly falling.

She smiled, feeling a sense of adrenaline rush through her body from the realization that she had done it. Angela had gotten away with it and she didn't need delinquents like Rayanne or Jordan to do it. Giggling to herself, Angela found a since spot on the soft patch of dirt. It felt good.

Angela wiped her plaid shirt from her arms and watched the action unfold. It was soccer today. She zoned in to see if she knew anyone out there. No one, which took away from the fun of this, completely. She sighed deeply as the surroundings started to take their toll.

First, she felt a huge sense of joy from this mid-class escape and now she felt regret for the past. The whistle blew, completely shaking her from this fast-approaching funk. Angela decided to focus on the game in front of her, taking notice of one kid with curly blonde hair.

He was kind of good. She smiled to herself watching how he seemed to move so gracefully. The ball slid from the side of his foot, gliding through the slick grass as if it was meant to. Like he was make to do that. She watched with interest, noticing his thin fingers, pale skin, and awkward stance that hid his athletic talent.

A disappointed Angela filed in line with the other gym students, trying to find the star player that had caught her eye, but unable to recognize him although she just spent the last fifty minutes eyeing him.

She shrugged, thinking about what excuse she was going to make for not going back to class ... there was the food poison excuse, fever, or ... period. That was a great one. Whenever a girl mentioned the word, the male species just backed off without another word. It was a real life 'get out of jail free' card.

Smiling to herself, Angela started wringing her hands together. Damn. She had lost her ring. Well, it was some cheesy friendship-type that she had gotten with Rayanne and Ricky, but her finger looked incomplete without it. There was an imprint on her ring finger and everything.

"Hey! Angela!" An eager Brian Krakow yelled enthusiastically as she nearly made it back to the building without being spotted.

"Just my luck." She muttered to herself, typing the plaid shirt around her waist. "Hi."

"Hey." He grinned eagerly. "I take gym class." He explained as Angela nodded.

"Obviously. You're really like sweaty." She noted as Brian started to study the floor. Did she know?

Silence followed as Angela stopped fickling with her shirt and started to think about what class she had next ... what period ... third.

"See you Krakow."

"Wait." He called back, walking alongside with her a sense of accomplishment. Brian was living part of his dream, being side by side with Angela, just the two of them.

"Well, what is it?"

"Umm ... like, my birthday's coming up."

"I know. It's like on the 12th or something like that, right?" She cocked her head to the side and leaned into her hip, posing impatiently.

"The 21st." Brian corrected her. "I am like ... having a big ... celebration and I like wanted to know if--"

"If Danielle will be able to go? Sure." Angela shrugged with a smile. "My parents aren't normally okay with these kinds of things, but they like you Brian. I'll make sure to tell her."

"Actually..." Brian contemplated as to whether to try re-explain everything or not. This was exactly what he had been waiting to gather up the courage to say and do, to totally like get her to go to his party.

That was the whole reason he had convinced his parents to like make it more ... mature and he was going to invite all these people, but if Angela didn't go none of it would matter.

"Are you frozen or just like not here?" Angela asked, waving her hand in front of Brian's face. He was so embarrassed that he almost blushed.

"Actually, you're right on. I want Danielle to be there." He explained as Angela nodded. "And if you want to like ..."

"See you later Brian." Angela ducked out suddenly like a scared little bunny rabbit. It didn't make sense to Brian until he saw Jordan Catalano pass by. He scanned the crowd for Angela Chase, but all that was left of her was the ring he had found on the field on the way back from class.

He sighed, disappointed and then he remembered that he had to hurry and get back to shower before his next class, AP Physics. Gym class was intense today. They had started with soccer this week, a sport that Brian would never admit to secretly loving. To everyone that mattered he was a young, genius brainiac and prodigies got into Oxford, not soccer players.

**Review/comment/respond please. **


	4. My Constant Broken Ship

**Chapter Four: My Constant Broken Ship**

Angela had worked up the courage to do what she was going to do tonight. She went back to the club again, watching Jordan so awed and amazed by his talent. She loved how he was starting to change, like look different. His hair was a little longer, his jaw stronger, and his smoldering blue eyes looked thoughtful and not empty, full of nothing.

This was the Jordan she wanted to get to know, the boy that she longed for and that kept calling her here. Like a moth to a flame or a bee to honey, she just couldn't get enough of it. As the group ended their set, Angela actually didn't rush to leave before being spotted.

She knew that Jordan knew she was there. She'd stared at him the entire time so he had to have felt her presence. As the crowd started to thin, Angela grew tired of sitting down aimlessly. There was nothing to do, no one to talk to, and she realized for the first time how completely alone she was in this.

Angela stood up tiredly with nothing left to do but go home. It was so late this time that she'd have to sneak in again, and count on Danielle to help her do it. Angela reached for her coat, looking down but couldn't find it. She turned to look for it and saw the most unlikely person holding it.

"Yours?" Jordan Catalano offered, his hair growing so long that it completely covered his eyes when he looked down.

"Yeah … yeah." Angela nodded with a smile, enthusiastically. "I-I … really liked your show. I mean you were so like … good up there."

"We sucked tonight." Jordan answered quickly. "Tino was off on the drums, the bass was off … it was an off night." Angela looked up at him and just grinned. She had never heard so many steady, smooth words come from his mouth at one time.

"So umm … how are you?" Jordan wondered, running his hand through his hair.

"Stuck." She muttered, looking down and taking the coat from his other hand. "You know like when you can't move anywhere? Like I feel like freshman year was so long ago, but I like can't get over it or anything that happened."

"I know what you mean." Jordan nodded. "I hate it when we're like … like … playing a song or writing one and I can't like just … figure out how to say what I want to say next."

"How do you get past it?"

"I think of a constant in my life like … something that will like just be there no matter how I screw up." His eyes met Angela's as she sit her lip nervously.

"So is your constant like God or somebody? Most people our age are like searching for answers like … losing their religion. Rayanne thinks that we're it, that God was made up. What do you think?"

"I believe whatever you believe." Jordan answered in his charming way.

"Well, my mom wants me to live my life like a nun like not ever making any … mistakes. I think that God is like getting a huge laugh out of my life. Joke's on me but … I don't want it to be." Angela focused her attention on Jordan's lips, finding herself ever so slightly caressing his neck like she used to.

"Sorry … I am like so …"

"It's okay." Jordan breathed, sliding his hand into hers and leading her to the back of the club. He started kissing Angela hungrily as though she were his life force, his constant rock. She gave in, continuing to play with his neck as the entire thing transpired.

She stopped once she left his lips on her neck and then later, missing pieces of clothing flying off everywhere. Angela thought that this was what she wanted. Angela had dreamed about Jordan touching her this way and … whispering the things that he was saying to her.

Without asking if it was okay, he proceeded to clumsily fiddling around with her pants until Angela stopped kissing him.

"Not now." She whispered. "Not after … Rayanne." Angela breathed as Jordan backed away. "We have to like … talk about what happened and why."

Jordan backed away into the shadows feeling rejected. He truly felt something for Angela and being physically intimate was the only way he knew how to express that. To her.

"Jordan … please." She begged, tears in her eyes.

"I have to like … go … later red." He mumbled so low that it was almost inaudible.

Red … he had called her red so … the song was about her and not a stupid car.

* * *

That night Angela barely slept. Jordan just wanted to do … that with her. He didn't even want to talk to her like he used to. Closure was what she wanted. Either they were going to be together or not, but Angela kept creating situations that led to pink areas. It wasn't like red or white, one way or the other but pink.

She rolled her eyes. Today was the 20th, and tomorrow … something was supposed to happen tomorrow, but Angela couldn't remember. All she wanted to do was … call Jordan. After hours of debating, she decided to do it. Nothing to lose.

"Can I speak to Jordan please?" Angela asked shyly.

"Who the hell is this? This better be an emergency. "Do you know what time it is?"

"It's really important." She whispered.

"Jordan!"

"Hello."

"Hi, it's me--"

"Who the hells' me?"

Angela started to answer, but feeling threatened by the angry voices that followed, said nothing.

"Is this like a joke? Hello. Hello?"

Quietly, Angela placed the phone on the receiver, feeling like such an idiot for calling so late. He was bound to be mad, right? But he didn't even know that it was her or even who she was.

That night Angela couldn't sleep. She was thinking about Sharon and Rayanne and of course Jordan. It just dawned on her that she was alone, truly alone and one was definitely becoming a lonely number.

Just when she had fallen asleep, an unwanted visitor appeared.

"Wake up Angela." Ms. Chase beckoned, a happy cheerfulness in her voice. She was looking forward to this day, this day when she would get to spend time with Angela. She felt like for the first time since Rayanne Graft had walked into her child's life and shook it until the perfect picture was forever jaded, that Angela was back to normal, or at least the child she knew her to be. A good girl.

"Mom..." She muttered in response, pulling the sheets over her face. "It's early."

"You and I have a busy day planned. Remember? Yoga-Pilates this morning to strengthen our mind-body connection and then I'm taking you shopping afterwards." Ms. Chase explained, lightly tugging on the covers to reveal her daughters blanket-imprinted face. Even all puffy and grouchy, Angela was still her little girl. She looked down in admiration of how well Angela was taking everything and how ... grown up she'd become.

"Mom, no."

"Angela, come on now. Mother daughter time. You promised."

"I'm breaking it. It's our day _off_. Let me sleep in." Angela begged.

"Saturday and Sunday are you _days _off. Today is my day. Get dressed squirt." Ms. Chase kissed her daughter's cheek lightly as Angela rolled her eyes and turned over onto her back. Now she knew she couldn't get away with playing the disgruntled teen. As much as her mom needed this day, Angela thought she needed to hide out under her covers more.

Last night was so ... stupid of her to act like that. What if by some odd joke or twist of fate ... what if they crossed paths today? Angela wouldn't know how to act or what to say...

"Fifteen minutes!" Her mom yelled again as Angela sat up this time.

"Fine." She rubbed her hands feeling tons of build up from eye crust. Now that was attractive.

Ms. Chase said that the two would be going to the mall, but she never explicitly explained why until after they walked into JoAnns. Ugh.

"Now which color do you like best?" Ms. Chase asked her daughter later that afternoon as they took a stroll down the aisles of JoAnn's fabric store for that stupid mother-daughter fashion show. Angela looked at her mom in amazement. The difference between the two blues that she picked up was minuscule.

One was navy blue and the other was midnight blue. Could they even really be considered a different color? The only difference was that the midnight blue seemed shiner.

"That one." Angela forced herself to say, randomly picking out the one on the left, the midnight blue.

"Well, are you sure honey? I was thinking that we should surely be able to take the title this year, with the right color palate. Now I was talking to LeAnn, (_Sharon's mom_) and that's exactly why we didn't get it last time."

"Okay … I like the other one." Angela pointed to the one on the right, glad that her mom hadn't changed their places because she wouldn't have known which was which.

"You're not just saying that are you?" Angela shook her head to negate the subject, wondering off to a section of fabric that reminded her of those cheap sequin dresses Rayanne had her try on that time. The two of them were so sure that they were going to go to prom, even though they were sophomores and otherwise dateless …

Well, back then Angela wasn't quite dateless. She was more in the in between stages with Jordan, as usual, but things were looking good for her. And just when Angela thought her dreams were coming true, someone spilled the beans about her best friend sleeping with the guy she'd been obsessed over since forever.

And Angela knew that she shouldn't still be mad at Rayanne and not mad at Jordan. It really wasn't fair, but it was what it was. Angela just couldn't look at her anymore knowing what she'd done, what she'd experienced. In the past, Angela had found it cool that Rayanne Graft seemed to know everything about … _everything_.

Anything Angela wanted to know about life and relationships, she found out from her, but knowing what it felt like to be with Jordan Catalano in that way … it was not something she wanted Rayanne to know about so intimately, and that was exactly why Angela stopped speaking to her.

It all became too much. That's what she told herself, but what it all boiled down to was the fact that Angela was jealous; completely, totally, green-eyed monster jealous that it wasn't her. But it could have been her, not a year ago, but a night ago.

Everyone looked at Angela, not like she was some dumb teenage kid that had no idea about the world or anything and lived in this clear suburban bubble, but Jordan looked at her with different eyes. In his eyes, she was this woman, this beautiful, sex-_worthy_ woman who he wanted to take the next step with.

It was the first time that anyone had looked at her that intensely. It was almost so enticing that she had let Jordan do whatever he wanted with her body. Part of her wanted to just surrender it to him and let Jordan take control. Her body would be his, but Angela couldn't deal with what it meant to be a woman, not yet.

And if it meant getting over her jealousy for Rayanne, maybe never.

"_What_ is going on in here?" Angela asked her little sister, disturbed that she couldn't even catch a nap. Mom getting her up at 8am on a weekend to go shopping for some lame-o fashion show was torture enough. Now she had to deal with Danielle.

"I am trying to get ready."

"For?"

"Are you really that clueless?" Danielle sighed, annoyed. "Today is Brian Krakow's birthday."

"Oh really?" Angela made a face. "I forgot."

"Well, I've been waiting for this day for forever." Danielle explained magically. "And now that I'm fourteen--"

"_Thirteen_." Angela corrected, but Danielle ignored her and finished her statement.

"And now that I'm _fourteen_, there's really no excuse. I 'm not a kid anymore."

"But you're certainly not a woman." Angela stated, sitting on her kid sister's bed, even though she knew that Danielle hated that.

"Eww. Your butt's on my pillow." Danielle complained as Angela stood up.

"Fine. I'm up … now tell me what's this about you wanting to be a woman all of a sudden. You're not thinking about--"

"Having sex?" Danielle finished for Angela as if it wasn't a big deal. "You know all the kids at my school are talking about it. How like if you don't do it by high school it's like all over for you."

"Who told you that? That's like _completely_ not true." Angela responded, realizing for the first time how little she knew about her sister. "What else did they tell you?"

"Well, Hayden Caser said that her sister didn't become popular until she did it and that before then she was like invisible so invisible that people would _step _on her in the hallways."

"Okay Danielle so … you're not thinking about sex are you?" Angela asked, actually caring about what happened to her sister for the first time … ever.

"I don't know … maybe I am." She answered, mostly to get a reaction out of her sister.

"With who? Do I know him?"

"Yeah. It's Brian, Brian Krakow." She responded as Angela tried to hold back a laugh. How hilarious was that? A seventeen-year-old Brian with her fourteen-year-old kid sister? Angela barely made a comment, but instead proceeded to help Danielle prepare for the party she was going to tonight.

"Okay …. Let's get you ready for your big night." She didn't even feel the need to comment on the whole 'sex' thing and Brian Krakow because he was completely harmless. There was nothing to worry about.

That night, Angela stayed in. Danielle was at Brian's party which she had no interest in going to, even if she had been invited. Mom and dad were having a much-needed weekend get-a-way and it just seemed stupid for her to try to call up Sharon or even Ricky to see what they had going on.

Angela just let her back sink into my soft down comforter, staring at the cracks in the wall and wondering if it would get any better than this. It had to, right?

How was it that everyone seemed to have a better social life than her, even her little sister … even her parents … even _Brian Krakow_, but Angela was on the fast track to becoming a loner? She sighed to herself. All of the loners she knew were also high all the time, something Angela was not wanting to get herself into … something that was another reminder of Jordan.

"Stop it!" She yelled at herself, sitting up and deciding that it would be best to go somewhere and do something, even if she was just going to walk up and down the street, that was much better than doing nothing but letting her thoughts run wild. Angela grabbed her walkman and her favorite cassette tape, Nirvana, and walked to the door.

She could handle this. As she turned the knob, she stood face to face with an unlikely person.

"Hi Angela."

"Hi Brian … aren't you missing you on your party?" She asked, closing the door behind her and placing the headphones around her neck, hoping this wouldn't take too long. Brian had a way of looking through her body, which gave her chills.

"It's almost over." He answered. "And I wanted to give you something before it got too late …" Brian pulled out a gift from behind his back.

"A guitar?" Angela nearly scoffed. Could fate be more cruel? A guitar. That was like the ultimate symbolism for Jordan Catalano.

"Yeah, you like it don't you? I know last year I didn't get anything for your birthday--"

"It's fine." She answered shortly, reminded of her last birthday and the Jordan-Brian-letter scandal. It still amazed her that Jordan went through all of that just to get Angela to want him. He was so clueless of the fact that he didn't have to _do _anything … just _being _there was enough for her.

"Yeah so I was thinking that…" Brian's voice trailed off.

"Can we talk about this later?" Angela asked with a smile, taking the guitar without another word and locking it in her house. "I'm about to go for a walk."

"Do you … do you mind having company?" Brian wondered boldly. Although Angela really wanted to be alone, she decided that having another person around could possibly distract her enough from her true thoughts.

"Yeah, but I only have one set of earphones." Angela explained, hinting that she was planning on playing her Nirvana tape.

"Okay, give me a sec." Brian rushed into his house and back, eagerly with another set of earphones and a few tapes in his hands.

"Cool." The two started their walk in silence as Brian tried not to look at Angela too much, but he couldn't help it. Her invitation had made it birthday worthwhile.

(A/N: What did you think kids? Speak your mind, even if it's just a one-liner. I actually want to finish this one. I'm also updating "False Self" and "Disease of the Mind" if you're into Lizzie McGuire or Degrassi. I might get around to "Double Standard" too this week... --NL)


	5. Jealous From the Start

**Chapter Five: Jealous From the Start**

* * *

As Brian walked with Angela he slowly began to break down the wall that had been keeping them from being friends before. It wasn't that she was being mean or didn't want to talk to him, but Angela never really had a reason to.

Now, as they walked down the street together, sharing one tape player, Brian found himself brave enough to make comments and ask her questions that he would've otherwise left unsaid.

"I really like this song." Brian began unsurely as Angela nodded.

"Yeah, it's nice," She muttered as silence followed them soon after.

"So, how's life so far?"

"Life?" Angela repeated with a scoff of surprise. "Every day reminds me of stuff that happened last year even though I don't want it to."

"Do you think about Jordan a lot?" Brian asked boldly.

"Jordan Catalano is completely off limits here and … is it that obvious that I like think about him?" Angela wondered looking as vulnerable as Brian had seen her.

Jordan always seemed to have that effect on her, even when he wasn't around. Brian was just waiting for the opportunity to say what he had been wanting to say to Angela.

She looked so beautiful tonight that he was scared that if he said a word, it would scare her off. Her fading red hair flew in the wind beside her, as if wanting a life of her own as her glove-covered hand fiddled around for another tape.

"So are you going to like … answer or not?" She pressed once the tape had been successfully changed. Angela was so focused on Jordan that she did not even notice what was going on between her and Brian.

His hand, had previously been near hers and he had flirted with the idea of breaking the invisible line, was now touching hers, ever so slightly. "Ummm…" Brian took Angela's neutral response as a requiem for more, allowing his hand to drop and reaching for her face bravely.

Before he could consecrate his feelings for her, a car drove by and nearly ran him off the road.

"Watch out." Angela pulled him closer to the curb, bringing the two of them even closer. She continued walking nonchalantly, more focused on the music than on anything else.

"Thanks … for like saving me back there."

"No thanks needed." She looked at him for a moment and during that entire moment, Brian felt like he was human being, a person worth talking, a person who like mattered.

Brian wished that he could feel that way all the time and command her attention so forcefully, but the moment had passed. To kiss her now would be awkward, and would possibly threaten to make future moments like this obsolete.

"I think that like … umm … you're so caught up in Jordan Catalano, but you don't have to be. If you think he's the only guy that is like … into you then you're wrong. I-I mean … what I'm trying to say…"

As if being some cruel way to punish Brian for his cordiality and nervousness, the very person who was the topic of their conversation appeared, of course in his red car. This made the blow even worse.

"Red…" Jordan breathed, stopping the car by the duo.

"Jordan … like what are you doing here?" She wondered, nearly one hundred percent sure that it was over between them after she rejected him and then called like an idiot.

"Do you want to like go somewhere?" Jordan wondered, getting out of the car, leaving it and coming dangerously close to her.

"I'm already doing that." Angela turned him down without looking at him once. To do so would be to cave in, without a doubt.

"I have some things to … say … would you … Leave with me?" He managed to get out in a combination of frantic fragments. Lifting Angela's chin so that the two of them were face to face and kissing Angela ever so slightly sealed the deal.

The two walked off to his car, with Angela's waist now becoming the property of Mr. Catalano himself.

"Later Brain." Jordan bid farewell to his less formidable opponent. Brian tried to make a last ditch effort to get Angela to notice him, by referring to the tape player, but she shrugged it off. Jordan had her.

* * *

**

"You wanted to say something so say it." Angela demanded as Jordan's car pulled off leaving Brian behind. She barely noticed the change in Brian's face, rather she was trying to figure out Jordan's.

"Angela, it's really … like … I can't …"

"If you can't say it, let me say it for you…" Angela paused a moment.

"You act like nothing happened between us whenever I see you at school, but like you keep coming around and … you make it really difficult."

"I know but I can't … come back to my house." Jordan offered. "I can say it there. I wrote a song about you."

"I-I can't Jordan … I can't go back with you and hear your songs and … it's just too complicated. It confuses me into thinking that things are a certain way when they're not."

"What do you mean?" Jordan wondered genuinely confused.

"I mean …" Angela searched for the right words to say, but she couldn't find them. All she seemed to be able to think about was the fact that she could feel a smooth, warm object encircling her hand.

Jordan's hand was on her hand. "Fine." Angela gave in. "One song … and then you'll take me home."

"Sure." Jordan shrugged as Angela rested back into the passenger's seat thinking about how much safer it would have been to have continued walking down the street with Brian … or even to be doing some dorky mother-daughter trip with her mom … the options seemed endless now that she was in this situation.

* * *

**

"So before we go in … My parents are like … weird."

"All parents are weird. It's like a requirement or something."

"No. They're worse … so just don't like talk to them or anything."

"Fine. But you only have one song." Angela repeated as Jordan nodded, running his hands through his hair and reaching for her hand as the two walked into the house. He was actually nervous.

Jordan lead Angela through a house badly in need of repairs, with creaking floors, a sunken in roof and a complete water-damaged mess but Angela ignored it all. She just wanted to survive that one song.

"Here." Jordan tossed her a notebook where he had written lyrics or at least it looked like he had …

"I thought you couldn't--"

"I'm not stupid." He countered defensively. "I did write the words, every last one but … Brain wrote them down for me, him and Tino."

"Why are you giving them to me?" Angela crossed her legs under her body, realizing that she was in his room, Jordan Catalano's actual room. Her eyes darted to the walls that were filled with visions of rocks-stars, but oddly held no pictures of people in his life.

"I want you to like …"

Angela fiddled with the notebook in her hands. The room was definitely a lot cleaner than hers even if it was a little small. "Pick one." Jordan finished after an extended pause.

"What?"

"Whatever you want to hear, I'll play it." He promised, pulling the chair from his desk closer to the edge of his bed, where she was sitting.

"Oh … wow…" Angela giggled nervously. She could always pick Red again or … "Yellow. Can you play it for me?"

After he played the first chord Angela was struck again by it. His hand, the beautiful music he made, the way he looked … like everything was right in his world. It was beautiful. It was inspiring but it was the lyrics that made her in awe:

"Look at the stars,  
Look how they shine for you,  
And everything you do,  
Yeah, they were all yellow.  
I came along,  
I wrote a song for you,  
And all the things you do,  
And it was called "Yellow".  
So then I took my turn,  
Oh what a thing to have done,  
And it was all "Yellow"…

For you I'd bleed myself dry,  
For you I'd bleed myself dry."

The silence that followed was more than deafening. Angela was scared to move or even to make a sound because it would completely destroy the moment and she wanted to keep it immortalized.

So it was Jordan who said something first. "I'm still working on it. I don't even have a chorus for it or anything." He started to explain.

"It was beautiful." Angela gushed. If she could have this Jordan, the one right here that was so complex and intelligent and vulnerable with her … if she could just have this then it would be worth it.

Even with her smile and absolutely genuine response, it felt wrong somehow to leave it that way, to leave with having said one thing but done something else. Angela closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and decided to go for it.

The sensation of her lips matching his, so perfectly like the last two pieces of a jig-saw puzzle made the moment complete. Jordan's guitar stumbled to the ground as the duo continued to allow their physical desires to take over. Jordan led her to his bed, she lost her denim jacket. He was shirtless. That was as far as they got.

"I-I have to take you home." Jordan whispered as Angela was brought back to reality. She was grateful for it. Something could have happened … something did happen, but it was nothing compared to what could have transpired.

The car ride home wasn't awkward like Angela would have guessed. Instead, she found herself asking Jordan all kinds of things about his music, which he gladly answered. This was like a chain reaction that spun out of control because nearly every day after the two of them met up and just … talked like this.

They clicked. It worked and it couldn't be manufactured because it was just so organic and natural. Which is why Angela allowed herself to be wrapped back into the world of Jordan Catalano. Their relationship wasn't anything like it was before.

She told him things about people in her life, about how she really felt about things and he slowly began to open up about his family … very slowly. Their newly-forming relationship wasn't by any means platonic but it was in between friendship and something so emotionally and physically intimate that there wasn't a word for it.

Yeah they were definitely moving somewhere between the two but closer to the latter every day. It was through their 'time' together that Angela really knew what it felt like to crave something or someone and to be counting the hours until she could see him again, listen to one of his songs, kiss him… That's why when Angela saw the site before her a few months later she was more than just a little confused…

(A/N: I'm checking to see if anyone is reading. I know this show is almost as old as I am but it's still great and I hope people are still going to this page to read MSCL fics. If you are, send me a review so I know! –NL)

Disclaimer: the lyrics to 'Yellow' belong to the group Coldplay and their record company, not to me.


	6. I’m Coming Up to Pull You Under

**Chapter Six: I'm Coming Up to Pull You Under**

A month and a half later…

* * *

"Not that you would like care or anything but … I think I'm in love." Angela admitted to Brian because he was the one that was there, in front of her.

"With Jordan?"

"Of course. Who else?" Angela walked down the hallway dreamily. "I think I might tell him … should I or would that just ruin it?"

"Like …Whatever." Brian licked his lips eagerly. If one good thing had come from Angela and Jordan being together, it was that she needed someone to confide in, and who did she trust, Brian.

"Why are you so upset?" She asked, treating him like a normal person.

"I'm not." He looked at her intensely to see if Angela would even feel the heat of passion that burned inside of him. He just wanted Angela to see… "So, did you ever find that ring?"

"No, I guess I sort of forgot about it … I could always go and find it today." She suggested. It was about that time to skip class again. She could run outside and find the ring quickly and then maybe she'd run into Jordan.

Angela really wanted to feel his fingertips against her skin. It was like electricity … magic … no, it was like … amazing.

"Well, I'm going to go to class." Brian mumbled.

"Hey, wait … Thanks Brian." Angela hugged him suddenly. "You've been the best friend I've had since last year's disaster. And if it wasn't for you and that guitar, I would've never run into Jordan. Thanks."

That one touch was all it took for Brian's mood to completely change. Angela was going to skip class again. He knew what he had to do and today, he was ready for it.

* * *

Mr. Dummier hadn't grown any the wiser to Angela's plans. She used the period excuse again and he let her go, but this time it was the beginning of the period. Angela hadn't been able to get a hold of Jordan to plan to meet up, but he was never in class.

He just wondered and drifted from class to class, from place to place. She was the only constant in his life. She sighed to herself. This had to be what love felt like. It was beyond the infatuation that she'd had before.

It was mutual. Jordan told her things … he like said things to her and it made complete sense. It made her want to do things with Jordan, things other girls had already done …

As she walked down the hallway, she snuck back outside to see what the gym class was up to. It was soccer again and once again Angela found herself amazed by the one blonde kid. When he went to sit on the bench, she was disappointed.

She really liked watching the movement and twist of his body as she maneuvered the ball around everyone else so easily. Angela admired that. She wished that she was good at something, anything but she was the average run-of-the-mill middle classed girl.

Nothing could change that. It was the thing she hated most about herself and it seemed to be what Jordan liked the most.

Angela's disillusionment with blonde-soccer-guy-sitting-down was replaced with a renewed sense of awe. He had taken off his shirt, and even though it glistened with sweat, the defined lines on his stomach caught her attention.

Then, she saw something she'd never expect from a talented jock like him. He pulled out a book, and not some wimpy required reading book, but something that looked heavier than her mom's Bible. This is Wonderkid.

The search for her ring took a backseat as Angela continued to watch him, inches from the spot where she and Jordan skipped class to see each other.

"You're here…" He breathed as all the guys surrounding him scurried off. Angela was too inside her own head to notice what a crowd of guys had been doing under the bleachers or even the smell of ripe marijuana in the air.

She had become accustomed to it.

"Hey…" She smiled brightly, looking down. Jordan could still make her feel so young and insecure and scared. She just had these butterflies … no, more like … wild cats battling it out in her stomach. Being with him was always an adventure. She never knew what to expect.

"You look hot." Jordan whispered, drawing her into him.

"I thought you were going to class today." She accused.

"I did." Jordan began. "I got bored so … I just like left."

The pair stared at each other for a while until Jordan took Angela's hand and kissed it, gingerly. She had never seen that side of him before and it made her blush.

She also blushed when he started playing around with her stomach, then her waist, and then the button on her pants.

"Jordan…" Angela breathed as he kept kissing her. "No," she said weakly.

"I know … I'm sorry." He backed off a little, but continued to kiss her. The pair were so into each other that they didn't notice a very athletic, blonde soccer player drop off a little mood ring that Angela had been missing for over a month.

"But I'm not." Jordan answered.

"Come on." She pushed him away, feeling like a jerk for doing so. Angela loved Jordan. She _loved _this guy. So why couldn't she just woman up and do it?

"I'm really sick of this shit." He muttered angrily. He wasn't angry at Angela, but he felt rejected. Again and again. The principal had told him today that he'd be repeating his sophomore year. Again. He was almost eighteen and going to be a year behind his sixteen-year-old girlfriend.

"Jordan … I'm sorry." Angela started pacing, not knowing what to do next. "It's just that we're at school…" She tried to hug him, but he moved away.

They stood apart, Angela staring at Jordan and Jordan glaring at the ground. She didn't know what was going on, but desperately wished that he would just tell her already.

"I'm going."

"Please, don't Jordan." Her words halted him as he looked down to see the ring.

"Isn't this like … yours?" He walked to Angela, cupped her hand in his and placed the mood ring inside."

"Yeah. Thank you, so much." She breathed a sigh of relief, hugging him and holding onto the nape of his neck. "I promise, I'll do it with you … just not here. Not here."

"Okay." Jordan's mood changed completely as he picked her up and spun Angela around. "I want you to come over and here another song … pick one. Anyone you want."

"Of course."

* * *

Brian Krakow didn't know to think about what he saw. He'd gone to see Jordan's show. He wanted to know what all the hoopla was about. Boy with a guitar. Whoopie. Well, Brian could like … play the guitar too. And the piano.

He was smart. He could play soccer, but no one got it. He sighed thinking about this afternoon. Seeing Angela with Jordan like that hurt worse than he could've ever imagined.

"This song's for a girl I'd like to call red. It's her favorite and it's called 'Colorblind.'"

Brian looked around the crowd to see Angela come in just as the song began. He watched her more than he watched Jordan. The lyrics droned on in his mind, making Brian feel sick:

'I am color...blind  
Coffee black and egg white  
Pull me out from inside  
I am ready  
I am ready  
I am ready  
I am

Brian couldn't fathom how someone as stupid as Jordan could ever come up with something like this. The lyrics were incomplete, just like everything Jordan Catalano said.

taffy stuck, tongue tied  
Stuttered shook and uptight  
Pull me out from inside  
I am ready  
I am ready  
I am ready  
I am...fine

Angela seemed to be getting it. She smiled lovingly as Brian's heart broke. How could he get through to her? How could he make her see…

I am covered in skin  
No one gets to come in  
Pull me out from inside  
I am folded, and unfolded, and unfolding  
I am  
colorblind  
Coffee black and egg white  
Pull me out from inside

By this time, Angela had made her way up to the stage. She was just a few steps from being on stage with Jordan and his eyes were locked on her. It was sick.

I am ready  
I am ready  
I am ready

Brian was ready to leave. To leave this agony, but first he had to find out Jordan's secret. He wasn't even playing the guitar in this song for Pete's sake but still… There she was and there Brian was in the backdrop of her life.

I am...fine  
I am.... fine  
I am fine'

The crowd exploded into applause as Brian remained as lukewarm as before. When the set was over, he looked to see a missing Angela. In his quest to find out where she had disappeared to, Brian instead ran into the man he hated the most.

Jordan Catalano. Signing autographs, half-smiling.

Brian was moments from confronting him as the group dispersed. A middle-aged woman beat him to it. She seemed harmless at first until Brian witnessed their exchange.

The woman slipped Jordan a few dollars before kissing him forcefully. Jordan seemed neither surprised or disgusted, but only half-present. He allowed the woman to do things to him that should only be done in private as Brian observed from afar.

* * *

If Angela knew … Angela … He turned around suddenly, to see her approaching the outside area of the club.

"Hey, Angela…" Brian tried to stall. He could so easily let her see what a monster Jordan was, but not like this. This would rip her to shreds.

"What are you doing here brainiac?" She greeted him happily with that elusive, half-smile that showed that she was much more than a naïve little teeny bopper.

"You found your mood ring!" He almost yelled even though she hadn't mentioned it to him.

"Yeah, wait how'd you know?"

"There's a ring band line on your finger." Brian took her hand in his to show her. It took everything he had not to lose focus. "Hey, do you need a ride home?"

"No. Jordan's taking be back to his place."

"How much do you like know about Jordan?"

"What?" Angela asked stunned. Brian paused for a moment until he saw the cougar woman leave. It was clear.

"Nothing. Go find Jordan."

"Thanks …" Angela half-skipped outside where she found Jordan, smoking.

"Why are you smoking? You were so awesome out there." She complimented, moving the cigarette out of the way.

"Yeah, it was so nerve-wracking … with you being there and all…" His voice trailed off.

"Are you ready to take me to your house so I can do what I promised? I think you deserve it…" Angela offered, not knowing what she was about to get herself into.

"I have to like … raincheck for tonight." Jordan looked down, not wanting his eyes to reveal anything. He had a deal, a thing going on with that lady. She paid and he had to put up.

"Raincheck … on the girl who loves you." She blurted out on accident. Angela stared at Jordan to see if he had noticed.

"Damn … I wish I could but … I have like … shit to do." Jordan reiterated as Angela pressed her lips together.

"Well, good luck doing whatever you have to do." She gave him a half hug and a short kiss.

"Hey, wait." Jordan reached in to kiss her. All she could taste was the reality of his cigarette smoke and not his intoxicating scents like before. "You got a ride home?"

"I'll figure it out." That was Angela's code for Brian. He drove her back, graciously and on the ride home he could've sworn that he saw wet tears covering her face, but Angela didn't want to talk about it. Maybe he should've just let her see Jordan with that woman after all.

* * *

(A/N: Good? Bad? I'm trying to decide whether Angela should end up with Jordan or someone else or by herself? This whole thing is based off of the idea of dreams being so hard to come by so … idk. Review and let me know what you think ---NL)


	7. Don’t Go, I’ll Shoot You Down

**Chapter Seven: Don't Go, I'll Shoot You Down**

**

* * *

  
**

Sitting in the passenger's seat of Brian Krakow's car had become Angela's unintentional hide-out, the place she went whenever Jordan had rejected her, which seemed to happening more and more often. As her thoughts delved into what she had not done right, Brian was busy contemplating his next move.

Angela. The windows were half down, picking up just enough breeze to draw more attention to Angela, who was already piquant in Brian's mind anyway. Even though he knew that their times together were so fleeting, evanescent, and often interrupted by Jordan Catalano, Brian was fully captured by her.

He turned to look at her ever so slightly, noticing the corners of her mouth pointing down almost unnoticeably, but Brian always noticed the little things. He thought about a way to make her feel better, to lighten the mood.

"So, are you like… still in love?"

"That's a really cruel question Brian." Angela answered back.

"I'm sorry but … whatever Jordan said to you it was--"

"Everything between us is fine. People in love need their space sometimes and Jordan needed to be away from me." Angela explained, playing with her mood ring. For some reason it got her thinking about soccer boy.

She briefly wondered if he would've acted like Jordan did tonight. Angela imagined what he would've said to her and everything until she felt light fingertips on her hand. If he were in Jordan's shoes, he'd never want to leave her alone again.

"Brian. What are you doing?"

"Sorry. I was like ch-checking to see if--"

"It's fine. Just don't touch me again." Angela demanded, becoming even more refulgent, radiant and irresistible to Brian even through her hostility.

She reached for the radio station, to get her mind off of Brian's weirdness, contemplating between a Goo-Goo Dolls song and "Always Forever." Tough choice. Once Angela decided that "Name" was more befitting to her mood than another love song, the car had already come to a halt.

"Why'd you like stop? Is something wrong with the car?" She panicked. Angela knew nothing about cars and Brian Krakow wasn't exactly the type of guy who knew how to do anything except read books and write papers.

"Umm … yeah…" Brian turned to face Angela. Now was his chance. He would catch her off guard. With no distractions, Angela Chase would finally let him tell her how he felt about her, how his feelings had grown astronomically since he wrote the poem.

All he could smell was apples, fresh untouched apples that called to him every time Angela was near.

"Well?"

"Yeah, right…" He shifted until Brian's mouth was met with Angela's red, succulent lips. He clutched onto her body awkwardly to stop her from immediately pulling away and curtailing their embrace.

When Brian pulled away, Angela looked at him with disgust in her eyes.

"Are you like totally crazy Brian Krakow?" She yelled, vehemently and overtly upset. Angela jumped out of the car instantly.

"No. I'm not." Brian slammed his car door afterwards fiddling with the keys and making sure that the doors were locked. "A-Angela. Please."

"Don't you get that I'm in love with Jordan Catalano? And he like totally loves me and … we just don't have anything in common Brian. I thought you were okay with like being a friend." Angela rambled on. "God, now that you're being all weird I don't have anybody …like … not Rayanne or Ricky or Sharon--"

"I-I just wanted to like know what it would feel like … I've never seen people who are like in love and act like you and Jordan."

"What would you know about relationships? Have you like ever had a real one?" She challenged as Brian looked down, ashamed. He was happy to have his curly blonde locks to hide behind. "P-Please let me take you home and I promise not to cross the line." He studied the grass as the words were said.

"Just know if I had any other option … I'd tell you to go away." Angela argued, walking paces ahead of him back to the car. Brian touched the bottom of his lips, heat still permeating through his body from that kiss.

* * *

Angela Chase called Jordan Catalano as soon as she got home that night, but it was in vain. He didn't answer, not the first time second or third. By the fourth, Angela was just looking desperate.

"Would you just answer it already?" The woman from earlier asked, annoyed.

"No." Jordan turned away from the phone and pulled on his pants. "I'm leaving…"

"No you're not." The woman argued back, tossing a wad of cash at him. "I'll pay you double that to stay the whole night." She offered.

Jordan brushed his long, unkempt hair out of his face thinking about his options. There was nothing to think about. This money would get him closer to getting out of his parent's house. Then he could get in his car, travel with the band going wherever the music took him.

"Well?" The woman sat up, the sheet falling off her in all the wrong places.

Jordan took in a deep breath, asked for a hit and shook any feelings of guilt off. He didn't even let himself think about Angela or what this would do to her. He had to think about what he was doing this for. Freedom … freedom from violence, restraint and being told he was too stupid to ever become anything.

"I'll do whatever you want." He breathed in the low, monotone voice that seemed to drive all of the women crazy. In a hazy slumber, he climbed back into bed with the middle-aged woman, determined to make it through the night.

* * *

"Angela … can you let me in?" Danielle asked, barging into Angela's room before she could complain. It wasn't like she was doing anything. She was just staring at the ceiling, trying to figure out why Jordan had bailed on her when last night was supposed to be _the _night.

That's what all guys wanted, even her kid sister knew it … but Jordan was just so … enigmatic. Angela felt like she understood him, but he always did something to surprise her. His mood changed in an instant and she was usually left to wonder if it was her fault.

"Earth to Angela."

"I didn't say you could come in."

"Well, for one, that Sharon girl is waiting downstairs, but I want to ask you something first." Danielle began, thrilled to have someone pay attention to her for more than two minutes.

"Ask and be like quick about it."

"Okay… do you think Brian likes me? If so, what should I do next? What if he doesn't like me? Should I just like--"

"Whatever." Angela shrugged. Thinking about Brian Krakow at this moment made her skin crawl. She hadn't even thought about the kiss until just now, but it was a fleeting thought. What was Sharon doing here?

"So, maybe I should dress like really sexy and then make out with him and--"

"Yeah. All of the above. Go like … as far as you have to." Angela muttered, running down the stairs to Sharon to see that her chestnut brown hair was a mess. That was not like Sharon at all.

"What are you doing here?"

"Angela. It's great to see you." She hugged her once best friend as Angela stiffened. They hadn't seen each other since that chance meeting after Jordan's performance a few months ago.

"Why are you here?"

"I wanted to invite you over to my house. I'm totally having a sleepover and--"

"Don't you like have other friends?"

"Angela…" Sharon searched for a way to seem sincere. "I really like want you to be there. It's going to be on Thursday and my mom's going to be out of town so--"

"There'll be boys. You want me to invite Jordan."

"Sure." Sharon smiled, but Angela could see that she wasn't telling the entire truth.

"Okay … why don't you stay over for dinner tonight?"

"Can't. Bobby's expecting me and … he totally loves me. He said it and everything." Rather than seeing happiness in Sharon's eyes, Angela saw terror, pure fear. It made her want to reach out and make Sharon stay, but she let her go.

* * *

By Tuesday morning Angela was dragging her feet down the hallway. Jordan had ditched school completely yesterday and so far today, she hadn't seen him at all. The only good thing about today was that she would get to see soccer boy, but even that felt underwhelming.

Angela thought about the promise she made to Jordan. That was the only thing that had really changed between them and it made her wonder … did she push him away by seeming to eager? Too compliant?

She deemed it useless and opened her locker. Even if she was going to ditch Mr. Dummier's class again today, she still had to get her book out of the locker. When she did, an avalanche of books followed.

Apparently, she had stuffed everything imaginable in the small cubby. As Angela bent down to gather up her things and stuff them back where they were, she could hear the other kids pointing and laughing at her expense.

She just tried to hurry up, but wasn't quick enough to avoid Sharon Cherjeski. She crouched down beside Angela, piling as much stuff as she could into her hands before putting them back into the locker.

"You don't have to help."

"Angela you don't have to be so hostile." Sharon smiled. "I was thinking that we could go to the store today, together. My mom let me borrow the car and Bobby's football practice lasts until six tonight."

"What about cheerleading?"

"I quit."

"Since when?" Angela wondered, skeptically. 

"Today. And I like really need someone to not judge me about it." Sharon responded, smiling once again when she noticed a small, neatly folded piece of paper hanging out of her locker.

"Looks like you have a secret admirer." Angela rolled her eyes and dumped the other things back into the cubby before slamming it.

"Let me see that."

"No." Sharon grinned, rushing down the hallway while opening the note.

"Dear Angela…" She began. "I've been noticing you noticing me lately and I think that you are really … cool."

"Blah blah blah … he thinks you're beautiful. Loves your red hair and…" She read out loud until Angela caught up with her and the two of them went tumbling down in the hallway.

"Ouch Angela!" Sharon screamed, tossing the letter back at her. Angela skimmed over it quickly … "I didn't know you were into soccer …."

"Oh my God." She whispered. It was soccer boy. He knew.

"Do you know him?"

"No." Angela scanned the hallway for blonde locks, but the only ones she saw belonged to a very intrusive Brian Krakow who was offering to help her off the floor. "Thanks."

Brian smiled looking up at Angela and wondering if she would notice that he was different. He _was_. That kiss had done something to him. It made his fantasy seem feasible and Angela completely attainable.

He stood staring at Angela who was staring back as Sharon interrupted their intense gaze. "Am I interrupting something?" She stood in between the duo, staring at Angela.

"See you later Brian. Angela waved him off as Sharon followed her down the hallway.

"Seriously Sharon, what's like going on?" She stopped to look at her. "You haven't talked to me in months and now you're following me around."

"Have you thought about that party yet?"

"No, but … if I go will you tell me what's really going on?" Angela asked as Sharon nodded. She had been waiting for that, to tell someone, to get rid of it.

* * *

Brian held the original copy of the poem he had written to Angela. He had to figure out a way to reach her. He had to …

"Hey Rayanne!" He yelled once he saw her walking down the school hallway, a rare occurrence for her.

"Oh. Brian." She smiled, seeming to elongate each word as though there was some hidden meaning that only she seemed to know. "What's shakin'?" She tugged on her shirt to reveal and exposed shoulder.

Brian fought to stay focused and to not stare _too _long. But Rayanne always had a way of making any and every guy interested in her by very small almost non-existent maneuvers.

"Umm … like … I need girl advice." He cleared his throat.

"I'm busy Krakow." She started to turn away, losing interest.

"I'll pay you!" He yelled, pulling out his wallet and handing her a twenty.

"Thanks." Rayanne grinned, tucking the bill into her bra. "So … go ahead."

"Okay … um … I like this girl and I want her to like me back but … I like … she's in love with someone else--"

"Is it Angela? You're finally going to tell her that you love her."

"How do you know?"

"I did hear about the letter Brian." Rayanne smiled. "Someone's gotten gutsy. And I like … think I know how I can help you … but you have to trust me and like … tell her."

"Okay. I trust you."

* * *

(A/N: I have the next chapter almost completely done! I'm writing both this and **_I Shouldn't Still Love You _**at the same time and I hope to be done with them within 3 chapters [or so] each. I **love **feedback, so tell me what you think. Luv. --NL)


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter Eight: I'm in Love with Another Man**

**

* * *

  
**

Angela felt deceived. Lied to by the mendacious, conniving Sharon Cherjerksi who had somehow convinced Angela to stand in line holding three pregnancy tests and a pack of birth control pills.

When she got to the counter, Sharon had disappeared and the clerk was giving her a weird look. "It's a little late for this, don't you think?" She held up the birth control pills, giving Angela's cheeks ample excuse to turn red.

"Keep the change." She responded pulling out the fifty that Sharon had given her. At least she had done that much.

"So. Did you get it?" Sharon rushed up to Angela since she had apparently been waiting for her outside in the mall area.

"Yeah. Let's go." Angela grumbled, still embarrassed about earlier. Sharon looked at her confused. "If you're looking for change, don't. I give it to the clerk."

"Angela, that was--"

"Totally mortifying. Let's get out of here so you can take these tests."

"Oh no." She shook her head defiantly. "I'm taking them here. If my mom finds out about this … I'm screwed."

"And what if you really are going to be … a _mom_?"

"I won't." Sharon snapped, but the results of two out of the three tests said otherwise. The two girls bickered over whether or not to buy another test, but they ended up in Sharon's mom's car as far away from the scene of the crime as possible.

"I still have a third chance that I'm not." Sharon said to herself.

"Are you in denial much? Sharon, you are sooo like pregnant, which explains why you've been acting weird."

"I'm not weird, just discontent."

"So what are you going to do? And who's the father? Does he know?"

"Get rid of it. Bobby. No. And don't tell him. No one can know about this but us. You're sworn to secrecy." Sharon responded, using her mom's car phone to make a call about getting rid of the child she had known was growing inside of her for almost three months now.

* * *

Angela had gotten away from Sharon's grasp for a little while. This was without a doubt going to be a nightmare and hellish long weekend. Why she had agreed to the co-ex sleepover escaped her mind, but now she was on her way to go see Jordan.

She was going to meet him at Tito's house, where Sharon had dropped her off. Angela waved of her off again on again friend who had just told her that soccer boy would be at the sleepover.

How evil was it that Sharon had extended him an invitation without telling Angela? Now that she was here … she couldn't honestly _not _invite Jordan, especially because she really wanted him to be there.

Angela jammed her hands into her pockets to hide them from the unmerciful cold and headed towards the garage where she heard music being played.

The scene that unfolded was a mixture of teenage boredom and mild drug use. Surrounded in his usual cloud of smoke was Jordan, who barely acknowledged her and didn't bother to put down the joint.

"Jordan." Angela began, standing in front of her sitting boyfriend. "Babe, come on." She grabbed his free hand as he passed the marijuana onto someone else, but not before popping a pill into his mouth.

"Are you serious right now?" She wondered accusingly, losing more and more of her timid and silent self the more she found out about Jordan.

"What's … going on?" Jordan wondered in his very low, almost inaudible whisper.

"I want you to come out with me." She answered, wrapping her arms around him.

"Oh you do?" He choked out, coming as close to a true laugh that Angela had seen. "Hmm…" He kissed her as Angela tried to ignore the smell transference of weed onto her. "Where do you want to go? To Paris? To I-talia? To the _moon_ … I'm there right now." He handed Angela a pill.

"No." She shook her head firmly. "I want to show you off at Sharon's house. I want to gift you what I promised." Angela finished, hoping that this would get him to start acting normal rather than … high. "Like …Come with me." She urged, engaging in a firey make-out session with him. "I love you Jordan."

"I know." He turned away from her, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

"So … that's it? You're like not going?"

"I can't. I have … work." Jordan looked down glad that there was a nicer euphemism for what he really was, a prostitute if you wanted to be politically correct, but a whore in everyone else's eyes.

"Work? Get someone to fill in for you." Angela demanded as he started to walk away. She followed.

"You don't understand red … I need the money. I like … can't bail."

"Fine." She pressed her lips into a tight line and crossed her arms over her chest.

"Don't be like that." Jordan popped a piece of gum into his mouth, taking her hands in his. "I promise you. Sunday. Like … whatever you want to do. I'll do it."

"I want to have sex with you." Angela said, but what she really meant was that she wanted to save him. She saw the good in Jordan. He was practically a virtuoso on the guitar, and from what others had been saying he took over the bass whenever Tito bailed on a gig, and had had his share of keeping the rhythm and playing the drums.

"Really?" Jordan smirked, looking Angela up and down. "Fine. Let's do it!" He yelled as Angela reached to cover his mouth.

"I don't want everyone to know." She explained. Jordan nodded and took her off into one of the empty forest lots that surrounded Tito's house.

With no hesitation, he kissed her as though she were his life force and the only way to survive was to keep his body pressed against hers. Angela tried to keep up with what Jordan was doing, but she was quite out of her element when it came to this kind of thing.

It surprised her at how easy it was to fall under his spell and let him mold her, use her the way he wanted to. What happened in the woods that afternoon wasn't what Angela had expected.

They hadn't slept together after all, due to her protests but … something had definitely gone on. Angela just _felt _differently. When Jordan had detached himself from her, Angela pulled back on the clothing she had lost, buttoning her pants and questioning him with only her eyes.

Jordan evaded her glance, reaching for her hand blindly and taking her to his car. On the way to Sharon's house, Angela tried to find the words to say. She tried to ask him like what exactly had happened.

She only got as far as half-opening her mouth and then shutting it again. When they had parked in front of the Cherjewski's Jordan rubbed her face, carefully and told her that she was his 'rock,' _his _constant …

and Angela knew that she was just as infatuated with loving him and saving him as figuring him out completely. There was so much more to him than she had ever anticipated and Angela felt that she didn't know him as well as she used to.

* * *

Avoiding him didn't work. Bobby must've had some sort of expert radar. Now, Sharon was in her bedroom alone with him and he was angry about something again.

This was the exact reason that the word 'pregnant' would never come out of her mouth in front of him. Sharon simply did not know how he would react or if he would hit now and talk later.

He liked to do that a lot. Deep in the core of her heart, she wanted to break it off. Bobby wasn't good for her. Bobby was going to make this hard. It shouldn't be.

It was just high school and people broke up all the time but … not Sharon and Bobby. She sighed, trying to diffuse the situation. By now, he had thrown her against the wall and had wrapped his arms around her neck.

The pain was unbearable. The panic, inevitable and the air coming in through her windpipes was less and less with each tightening grip. Sharon hit the wall twice as though to tell him to quit it.

She got it. She was sorry.

It was Angela who stopped Bobby this time. "Sorry." She mumbled, her eyes growing wide and Bobby letting go immediately. Angela rushed down the steps to think about what she had just witnessed, while Sharon ran after Angela and Bobby after Sharon.

"Don't go." Bobby's voice boomed as if possessed by some supernatural strength or demon.

"I have to. She might tell." Sharon called back. She caught up Angela, Bobby stood next to her and she proposed, "Go home tonight. Let me talk to her."

When Bobby had given up and left, Angela started to apologize, explaining that she was waiting for soccer boy and got nervous and wanted Sharon's help.

Was it cheating to meet up with him?

"Not if you're doing so only to tell him that you're in love with another man."

"Yeah." Angela nodded.

"Where are you meeting?" Sharon wondered.

"On the patio."

"Well, let's go." She escorted Angela there only to find that 'soccer dude' was a no show. Instead, there was Brian Krakow out on the patio with a few scattered girls who were wrapped up in there own world. The scene made Sharon smile, but Angela cringe. How sweet.

Brian scooped up Angela and kissed her in a way that would make any girl stand up and take notice. It wasn't just a kiss, but many kisses, kisses that Angela didn't remember getting but somehow they were receive. It didn't seem to phase her because Angela wasn't just _any _girl, she was the unattainable, the dream.

And so of course, Angela didn't feel the same and was disgusted. "You're really sick!" She yelled. "How can you do this knowing how much I love Jordan?"

"Maybe he doesn't love you like you love him like … I love you." Brian spewed, obviously a little tipsy. "Angela. I just like…"

"Don't touch me." She answered bitterly. "Go... No I'm going. I was supposed to meet someone here…" Angela muttered, not relating Brian Krakow to 'soccer dude' because it was just impossible and ridiculous. Soccer guy was smooth, suave, muscular, gorgeous things that Brian Krakow could never be.

"Wait." He cried out desperately. "Take this." He grabbed a folded wad of paper from the pocket of his jeans. "Please read them. All of them. They're for you."

* * *

Jordan lay in the hotel room beside Leann, one of his regulars. She had the same small, expressive eyes as her daughter, and almost twice the bust line, but to Jordan she was just a regular.

She was his most generous benefactor and he treated her well.

Tonight they had gone out somewhere, nearly an hour out of the way so that no one would recognize their rendezvous. They had ended up at some hotel, entering separate elevators and not showing that they knew each other until Jordan knocked on the door.

By now it was around 2am and she was sound asleep, curling her body around his. Jordan knew that he should get up and leave. There was no reason to stay but … he was deep in thought.

Thinking about Angela, his number one, his muse. During times like this, the only thing that he could do was write what was on his mind. He grabbed the notebook pad with hotel stationary and wrote out his songs in a way that only he, and other dyslexic people, would understand.

After being deciphered, the lyrics read something like this:

**'And I'd give up forever to touch you, **

**Cause I know that you feel me somehow. **

**You're the closest to Heaven that I'll ever be **

**and I don't want to go home right now. **

**And all I can taste is this moment. **

**And all I can breathe is your life. **

**When sooner or later it's over, **

**I just don't want to miss you tonight…'**

**

* * *

  
**

** (A/N: Review. Luv. --NL)  
**


	9. I May Be Dumb But I'm Not Stupid

**Chapter Nine: I May Be Dumb But I'm Not Stupid**

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* * *

**

Angela woke up in Sharon's house. Still. By that afternoon, the motives for her weird phone call earlier were starting to make since. Sharon had said that she wasn't going to have this child.

And this person was here to make sure that her erratic protests became a reality…

Angela Chase didn't know if she was just that naïve or really more helpless in the world that she ever realized, but when that person came in bringing those strange tools, she didn't protest.

She did not stop her. She did not tell Sharon that she was crazy. Angela sat there, like a mute until it was over and Sharon's face was wet with tears.

This was murder. Angela Chase had consented, by not protesting, to this act. She had contributed to Sharon's pain, a pain and memory that would haunt her and remind fastened to her side until she no longer had a mind or body or spirit.

"Angela. Can you get me something … just anything. Anything." Sharon sniffed, obviously very taken aback by everything.

"Yeah. I'll be right back." Angela held in her utter disgust. Sharon held in her desires to cry out and plead to undo the damage. They both repressed themselves and Angela went so far as to dump a glass of cold water on the desk beside Sharon before running out of the house completely.

She could not deal with this. Not now. Not now …

**

* * *

**

Relief. That was the number one feeling Angela Chase felt once she had successfully fled to her home. The urge to pace back and forth crossed her for a moment and then Angela started searching for it.

Something. She didn't know what it was, what it would be until she found it. She just needed to get her mind off of Sharon's broken face.

And that's when she came across it. Somehow Angela thought that she tossed it, or coincidentally misplaced it, but instead here it was, crumpled and greatly dilapidated from her countless readings of it.

Even now Angela could almost recite the whole thing without even opening it. **BRIAN'S NOTE**.

Angela had almost forgotten that he'd written a new one and that … she jammed it into her pocket. In the new note he called himself NYU and the letter read:

'I sit here and wish for you.  
I close my eyes so I can see your face.  
Remembering the last time we were together is tearing me apart.  
I hope you felt what I felt  
when I kissed your lips and whispered: I Love you.  
All you had to do was say the word and I would have moved  
heaven and earth to stay by your side.  
You never did.

**By NYU'**

Her heart dropped and Angela concurrently felt overwhelmingly inspired. She was completely, totally inspired … to go and tell Jordan how she felt. Then and there, Angela felt foolish for even thinking about 'soccer dude.' She didn't need anyone else but Jordan.

**

* * *

**

Jordan was in the middle of starting to light a cigarette, but it didn't take. Smoking made everything seem clearer or … maybe it did the opposite. Regardless, the smoke had some kind of healing power for him.

In this case, he wouldn't have to think about the woman last night or the one before her. Some were married, some separated and some recently divorced.

But they were all the same to him, sad lonely women who just wanted a soft body next to them. They wanted to feel wanted and loved and be lied to, lied to so that they could feel a moment of bliss in their lives of hollow darkness, of a constant torturous life than seeming impervious to ending.

He rubbed his hands together, trying to cool them down from the winter breeze. It was going to snow today, definitely. Jordan could feel it. He leaned on the outside of his car at Tito's house, even though no one was there.

Avoiding home had become one of his pastimes. He owed his stepmom money. Her commission for finding his _clients_, but Jordan had no intention of paying her. He had no intention of ever seeing her again, if he could help it.

As he tried his lighter again, a red head appeared and stepped out of the cab. It was Angela. "I've been looking all over for you."

Jordan tossed the cigarette into his pocket and brushed back his hair insecurely. "How did you find me?"

"I have to like tell you something…" Angela began, looking extremely flustered. "Jordan … I don't want to wait any longer because I want to me with you. I want you to like know how much I love you."

Jordan looked down, taking in a deep breath. He had dodged this bullet with Angela before. He brushed it off. Now, it was just the two of them.

There were no excuses. There was no way out.

"I _love _you." Angela explained again with more force, launching herself into Jordan's arms and kissing him with great zeal. "I want to do it. No excuses this time."

"Okay." Jordan whispered, agreeing to something that he had wanted for so long. Angela Chase was … the one miracle in his life.

* * *

Brian could not let it go. He could not let it go. A month after his kiss with Angela and his passion for her had not dimmed at all. It was as though he would always be thinking about her, her pale smooth skin, the way she laughed and thought that everything he said was a joke.

There was no getting _over _her.

So, Rayanne's advice on the party didn't work out so well but … with flowers in hand, Brian felt completely equipped and ready to deal with the situation.

The situation was his thirst for more of her. But first, he had to break down her wall and get Angela to really hear what he was saying.

When he arrived at the Chase house, Danielle answered after two knocks. "Brian." Her eyes glistened.

"Is Angela here?"

"Yeah, I'll go get her." Danielle rushed up the stairs as Angela walked past her.

"What are you doing here Brian?" She sighed, not even able to get really upset because of what happened with Jordan. Or rather, what was repeatedly happening with Jordan. Practically every time he saw her, they couldn't keep their hands to themselves.

"I brought you these." He handed Angela some flowers, distracting her from her wondering mind.

"Thanks. They're nice." Angela reached for the front door, opening it and motioning for Brian to leave. He started to oblige when Danielle appeared, scantily dressed and with bright red lipstick on.

"Why don't you stay for dinner Brian?" She offered, bouncing down the stairs as her breasts moved with her. Show off. Angela rolled her eyes and confined herself to the sofa knowing that there was no way she'd be able to sneak out and see Jordan now.

It was probably best since he'd been a little MIA lately.

"Why don't you two get caught up?" Angela wondered, deciding that a phone call would be better. Only this time, he didn't pick up.

By the time Mr. Chase had successfully prepared dinner, Angela started to think about Jordan and when she would see him again, so much so that she hadn't eaten anything.

"May I be excused?" She left without waiting for permission with Brian following shortly after. "Stalking me?"

"No. I'm just wondering why--"

"What?"

"You're like different?" Brian inquired as cowardly as usual.

"Really?" She gushed. "How so? And is it good?"

"No, it's really, _really _bad."

* * *

Sharon Cherjewski was disgusted with her mother. Very grossed out. And the image of her and Jordan Catalano together was plaguing her.

She had to tell Angela. Angela deserved to know after everything she had done for Sharon. She just had to figure out how to do it and quickly …

The opportunity came to her more quickly than she was prepared for.

"I haven't like seen Jordan in a while … is that bad?"

"Yes… I mean … how is everything going with you two? Are you happy?"

"Very." Angela smiled. "But I'm confused. I thought that once you _did it _with someone, that things would change."

"Like everything would magically be perfect?" Sharon wondered thinking about Bobby. "It doesn't work that way." She shook her head.

"What?"

"Oh Angela … I really wish that you had waited until you knew about Jordan and who he really is." Sharon sighed.

"Says the baby murderer." Angela shot back, defensively.

"No. Says the girl whose mom is sleeping with your boyfriend."

"You lie."

"I have no reason to. If you don't believe me they're meeting again tonight at this hotel." Sharon sighed, handing Angela a piece of paper with directions. "I'll take you if you don't believe me."

* * *

After everything, Jordan Catalano turned out to be just as no good as everyone thought he was. He was sleeping with Sharon Cherjewski's mother, a crime for which there was no absolution.

For now, Angela just needed to take a walk, go somewhere. In her half-torn clothing and over-sized plaid shirt, she probably looked like a hobo who was slight schizophrenic, but her focus was not on what she looked like.

She was going to walk and keep walking until something came to her and her life made sense.

Two hours later and she had gotten nowhere. Nothing had been solved or changed, except that Brian had driven by in his car and U-turned upon passing her.

"Go away Brian." Angela grumbled instinctively as Brian lounged out of the car, leaving the hazard lights on.

"What happened?"

"Jordan Catalano happened."

"Did he hurt you? I swear, I'll like--"

"Who invited you in my life Brian? Who said you had a right to comment or ask me things or to write stupid love letters like a pathetic loser. Just go away!"

"I won't." Brian pouted, crossing his arms. "This is like so … stupid." Angela kept moving.

"Why do you want to be with a guy who doesn't know how to treat you right when I'd do anything to be with you?" Brian inquired, saturnine.

"Please stop saying that." Angela said, stolidly.

"Fine. Look at this." Angela was handed another poem of Brian's. She looked at the first couple of lines which read,

'Could you whisper in my ear, the things you want to feel? I'd give you anything to feel it coming. I want to wake up where you are. I won't say anything at all. So why don't you slide? And I'll do anything you ever dreamed to be complete…'

"I mean it. All of it." Brian uttered, reaching for Angela's hair.

"Stop being stupid Brian." She crumpled the words, immediately detaching herself from them and pushing Brian away.

"I'm not. I'm not!" Brian yelled, growing irrational and thinking that the only way to prove his point was to kiss Angela with conviction.

With a sigh Angela looked up at Brian who hadn't let go of her. Her gut reaction was to punch him, but Brian looked so pathetic and … the way he just kissed her really made her think …

"Do you really like love me?" Her expression softened.

"Yes. One hundred percent." Brian reassured her by pressing his lips against hers once more. The passion that he executed wasn't felt in the least by Angela, but she was just as desperate as he.

Jordan was the object of her affection and if he could so easily throw around his 'love,' then so could she. She would do it out of spite and make sure that Jordan knew that she could hurt him just as much as he hurt her.

"Kiss me again." Angela begged as Brian eagerly obeyed. She pressed her lips together and walked back towards his car. A car was where she and Jordan had done it so…

"Not in the car. My parents aren't like … home."

* * *

**(A/N: Is anybody out there? If you are and this chapter doesn't wake you up, I don't know what will… BTW, I know what you're going to say about Angela but I had to criss-cross what I was going to do with this story and _I Shouldn't… _because I started writing the wrong storyline in the wrong story! This sticks to the title and the other one will too. –NL) **


	10. I'm Starting to Like this Town

**Chapter Ten: Don't Go I'll Shoot You Down**

* * *

Angela slid her hand into Brian's once they both walked into the house. The echo which followed the closing of the door confirmed it. They were alone.

She felt both relieved and a little scared about what she was going to do, but Angela had never been the type to get her revenge. She was always the type that got screwed over because of her innocence, but now that she had been exposed to Jordan's world, she knew just what she had to do.

Angela pulled Brian into the room and shut the door behind her, as if there were any turning back now, as if she could just lock away this memory once it was done. She pressed her lips into a thin line and forced herself to think about those words.

Those beautiful words had come from Brian because of her, because of the way he thought about her.

"Come on." Angela whispered trying not to sound as annoyed as she felt. She knew that she was the most experienced out of the two, but she'd only done it once. And by her recollection, she had been so mesmorized by Jordan with that slight wrinkle on his forehead and his endearing concentration that she didn't know how it had gotten that far until she felt something like she never felt before.

Love.

She felt love.

Burying these ideas behind her, Angela turned to face Brian and kissed him as convincingly as she could. He held onto her so tightly and brushed his lips to hers like he had been practicing.

When they parted both were breathless, Brian because his dreams were about to come true and Angela because she had been holding her breath in hopes that this event would soon be over.

Angela dove in again, this time pulling Brian's shirt out of his pants, yanking the button-downs and not caring if anything was broken.

Once she had successfully done this, she slid down her pants, sliding them off with her feet all while kissing Brian as much as she could. She couldn't quite rationalize it, except that it was much harder to start the waterworks up about Jordan while she was busy fake kissing Brian.

As he lay next to her with only generic boxers labeled _Thursday _on, Angela knew that this was it. She reached for the elastic and then felt Brian's hand touch hers suddenly.

"What's wrong?"

"I've wanted this for so long, since I met you."

"Good for you." Angela rolled her eyes and pressed her lips to his to get him to shut up. Then she started working on the boxers again.

"You know I like … love you Angela and I can like be there for you."

"Okay, stop it Brian." She turned away, annoyed. "Can you really be this dense? We're not going out Brian. We are having sex and then our relationship is going to go back to normal, okay?"

"But you like read the letter and you said-"

"I know how I feel about those words. They're beautiful but … like it doesn't matter. Let's get this over with." In a last ditch effort to sway his mind, Angela unhooked her bra, leaving only a thin layer of a white top to cover her prepubescent body.

Angela could've sworn she saw Brian staring at her … at her _body _but then he stood up suddenly saying, "You are so selfish. You're only doing this because it's going to affect you and Jordan somehow and like … I'm not going to be a part of it."

"Are you really going to walk away from me?" She wondered, feeling like she didn't even know herself anymore or her own limits anymore.

"Yes. You're not who I thought you were Angela. You're not the girl I wrote all of those songs for and poems and-"

"Get out Brian!" Angela yelled, covering her ears and humming to herself to drown out everything. She didn't stop until minutes later when she was sure he was gone.

* * *

"Mom." Sharon looked at her mother, hoping that it was enough to let her mother know that she knew exactly what she had been up to. And that she wanted to talk about it. The Jordan Thing.

"Hi honey. You're home early."

"Can I talk to you about something?"

"Sure. What it is this time?" Ms. Cherjeski wondered, still playing the Super Mom card and pouring two glasses of orange juice, one for the both of them.

"I went to the doctor mom and-"

"Why didn't you tell me sweetie? I would've gone with you."

"No mom, you don't understand. Something happened and I wasn't feeling good about it and Angela like got all mad at me so … I like went to the doctor and … I think they mixed up our files. Well, I don't think. I _know _because I looked over it when it was left in the room and I didn't think…"

"Sharon, what's going on? Are you sick?"

"No." She chewed her lip softly, no longer able to hold it back. "But you are."

"What do you mean?" She handed the glass to Sharon, still not getting it.

"Mom, I looked at the tests they did on you and you took something for a blood disease… I don't know. But whatever this HIV thing is, you have it."

Suddenly, Ms. Cherjeski's face when into a pained combination of shock and horror and the remaining glass of orange juice in her hand went tumbling down, down, down along with her ability to play up the happy Suburbia role.

* * *

A couple of months later

Brian had been a waste of time, but Angela thought that it all worked out for the best. She didn't have to _do it _with Brian and Angela realized how stupid she was being for trying to use sex as a tool.

That was something Rayanne Graft would do but not Angela Chase.

This was her main justification for coming face-to-face with Cindy again and watching from the back corner as Jordan flipped his naturally highlighted brown hair back and away from his face.

Introducing the next song, Jordan announced almost inaudibly that this song was one that "spoke to a special girl in his life." And that's when he started to sing _Yellow_.

Angela was powerless to the music, which made her sway the calm that came over her body as Jordan seemed to dominate even from across the room. She mouthed along with the last few lyrics, 'With you I'd bleed myself dry…'

Tears welled in Angela's eyes then. She was so frustrated with herself and couldn't figure it out. Brian. Soccer Boy. Jordan. And the only one she could talk to about this she tried to use to make Jordan jealous.

Any way the die was rolled, Jordan was always the common factor. Cindy came back to place a 7up at the table and Angela nodded. It was the only thing she could afford on the menu, but Cindy never yelled at her or told her that she was wasting the table. As she shifted slightly, the hood under which she'd been hiding exposed a cascade of blonde exploding into an artificially dyed red color. Fading.

Jordan saw her instantly. She froze and the two shared a moment for what seemed like forever. He broke the silence by introducing the next song.

"This song is for a girl who is like … everything to me. I wrote it to let her know how much I'm into her, but she left me." He chuckled dryly. "And she doesn't even know…" His voice trailed off, but Angela knew that with Jordan silence was so telling. He said all of these incomplete things, or things that seemed like half-thoughts, but Angela was riding this same ambiance without knowing how. It just worked and they just clicked.

And fit and…

'Could you whisper in my ear, the things you wanna feel … Oh put your arms around me, what you feel is what you are and what you are is beautiful so Ray wanna get married or run away? And I'll do anything you ever dreamed to be complete…'

Angela didn't even notice the seemingly Freudian slip or anything until Rayanne Graft, the little backstabbing hurricane herself plopped onto stage as eclectic and half-high as usual.

Gripping the edges of the table for strength, Angela tried not to cry or think about the fact that maybe Jordan was just playing around with her again. What reasoning would he have to have any want of Angela?

She wanted to leave and run all the way back to the Suburbs just then, but then everyone would know and notice. So she did nothing, nothing but breath, blink and try not to try until the set was over. And then she bolted, like before but this time straight to the bathroom where he couldn't follow her.

"Red… I know you're here." His airy, low voice somehow how it's way through the heavy wooden door.

"Go away."

"Alright, I'll come in." He walked in with a half-smile on her face until he noticed that he had been the cause of her pain, once again.

"I shouldn't have come here." Angela started to walk away.

"Please don't leave me. I know I like deserve … everything mean you could like say or do to me, but everything I said I meant it. You're like everything…"

"No. I'm just your muse, for now." Angela argued back.

"Please."

"But why? Why all of those women? Why _Sharon Cherjeski's_ _mom _out of everyone? And why didn't you tell me?"

"I like… wanted to but then you would've like…"

"I wouldn't have talked to you or given you another chance." Angela finished for him. "I'm probably really stupid for like admitting this, but I miss you a lot Jordan and if you talk to me about this, I may be able to understand then maybe-"

Her hypotheticals were cut off with a longing kiss from Jordan. It felt warm, nice, and … a lot like love.

"When can I see you again?" He wondered, his forehead pressed against hers, the best they could manage.

"When you're ready to talk like… come by the house." She managed to say, weakly. "I love you." Angela whispered, a single tear escaping each eye, Jordan kissing her back with more passion this time.

"I promise to tell you like … everything you ask me."

* * *

So Angela was sort of kind of back with Jordan. He hadn't stopped by the house yet, but it had been a couple of days and it was exciting rushing to get home and hope that he would already be waiting there.

She decided that maybe she should close up the loose ends with Soccer Boy, watch him one last time and come to terms with the fact that the mood ring was just gone.

Angela, once again skipped dummy Dummier's class due to 'womanly pains' and watched Soccer Boy in action. When he removed his shirt after everyone else had done, Angela watched crouched in awe.

She didn't know what possessed her to stay a little longer today, but it made an encounter between them inevitable. She could casually mention that she liked soccer and would do her best to refrain from commenting on his hair cut which was pretty cool and seemed to really … suit him.

Angela started to make her way over to him boldly, to get this over with. Romantics would never work with him, since she had Jordan back, but she had to at least _know _who this guy was and if he looked as perfect up close.

She waited until his back was turned to her before she tapped it, sweaty and all it still made her swoon just a bit.

"Hey, I just wanted to like to tell you that you're amazing out there and like-"

"Angela? Are you trying to make me forgive you?"

"Brian? What … no…" She started to back away frightened. Oh-kay, what the heck?

"So you haven't been stalking me these last few weeks? I've noticed?"

"Do you always play soccer during this period?" Angela wondered, the pieces all coming together.

"Yes, but my parents don't know."

"Shit."

"What?"

"Damnit." Angela cursed, throwing up her hands. This was so _confusing _now.

"Did you get hurt or anything?"

"So, this whole time I've been talking you up in my mind and you're Brian? Brian Krakow?" She shook her head in disbelief. "This is crazy. Before Jordan came back into my life I was practically in love with you."

"Oh. And how's the Jordan Thing?" Brian wondered as Angela wondered if she told the truth, would it sting? But she decided that he did ask, after all, so he'd want to know.

"I forgave him and he's meeting up with me soon."

"Good. Maybe Danielle and I could double date with you two?"

"Danielle?" Angela looked confused.

"Your sister, the one who lives with you."

"She's just a kid." Angela argued back, suddenly feeling possessive over Brian, of all people.

"But she's something else."

"That's great." Angela answered back. "See you around."

"Wait." Brian touched her arm, sending electricity through her body, which was really freaking her out. What was worse was that she was noticing just how the small sweat beads clung to some parts of his body and slid down other parts. Down, down, down. Damn.

"What is it now?" She tried to muster up the most irritated tone she could think of.

"You like lost this a while ago, right?" Brian placed the old mood ring onto Angela's finger, the _correct _one and then slid his wet shirt back on.

"Thanks." Angela called from behind as Brian jogged back into the building. Angela just could not believe what had happened or worse, why she had _swooned. _

* * *

Angela Chase had been ignoring Sharon for way too long, but this was it. She had some very important things to say to her, but couldn't quite figure out what to do.

The HIV thing had freaked Sharon out and she'd gone to the library to do a ton of research on it, but the virus was pretty new to science. And they hadn't figured it out yet meaning … there was no cure.

Sharon shuddered. She and her mom had never been too close, they had more of a plastic relationship filled with false smiles and hugs mostly to keep up appearances. But that didn't mean that she wanted her to _die_.

Focus.

If Sharon didn't say this correctly and get Angela to listen, then she could lose her too.

"Angela. Angela!"

"I was ignoring you for a reason." Angela answered, looking like she was in a daze.

"I told you a couple of half-truths, but that was months ago."

"Not talking to you."

"Then just listen. Angela, listen to me!" By then the entire hallway was looking and Sharon took her once best friend by the arm. "I need you to go to the clinic with me."

"Need another abortion?"

"No. I'm serious. It has nothing to do with me this time Angela. I need you to come and get checked out and make sure everything is okay."

"Why would I need to do that? I'm healthy."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Go ahead." Angela sighed.

"You and Jordan did it right …" Angela nodded. "And were you safe? Did you use protection or-"

"I-I don't know."

"What do you mean you don't know!"

"You're scaring me Sharon."

"I'm scared too right now Angela, really scared." She took Angela by the hand, staying close to her but walking her out of the building. "I'm scared for _you._ See Angela, my mom … she's really sick with something and there's nothing the doctors can do for her. And I want to make sure that you're okay and you don't have the same thing."

"What thing?"

"I can take you to the clinic now."

"What _thing_?" Angela wondered again.

"HIV. My mom took the test and she's HIV positive and since she and Jordan…" Angela tuned out the rest. Where had she heard those initials from before? Was it a drug-free seminar? Biology class? Or … now she remembered. From Ricky. Ricky had a cousin that _died _from HIV.

* * *

(A/N: Dun. Dun. Dun. I didn't get this written before the new year [got too distracted], but I wrote it on 1/1/11 and hope you're still tuning in. I think I know how I'm going to keep this true to my original intent and anticipate no more than 2 more chapters to get it done. If you want more of my MSCL fics, check out _I Shouldn't Still Love You or Tell You That _and _Beautiful Goodbye_. And as always, review. Luv.** And do you think Angela has HIV or should be HIV positive?** Let me know.–NL)


	11. Run Away, Run Away, Run Away Stupid

**Chapter Eleven: Run Away, Run Away, Run Away Stupid**

* * *

Angela Chase had never been so terrified in her life. As Sharon walked her down the hallway, she could barely think but somehow tears were streaming from her face. And throughout the whole walk, she could only think about one person. And it wasn't herself.

If what Sharon said had any truth at all, it meant that she was implying that Jordan … that Jordan could be sick and in danger. Angela wanted to go find him and explain that he needed to go with her, but she couldn't stop Sharon's hysterics.

She didn't have the energy to fight with her. Unfortunately, Jordan would just have to wait. As she sat in the cold clinic, she looked at the same faces that she saw when Sharon was there, only they didn't look so friendly anymore.

Their smiles seemed to be forced, to have some underlying caveat or even 'I told you so.' And she knew why. The sex before marriage thing. And Angela didn't even know enough to know what she was doing or had done.

And if she was sick … she and Brian almost… Angela hung her had, ashamed. She was so scared and hoped that there was some sort of mistake. That Cindy Cherjewski was okay and Jordan was in perfect health.

The test results would take a week she said. In a week she would know. Once Sharon left the building with Angela, there was still one person swimming in her thoughts. "Take me to Jordan's house."

"Wait, Angela. Weren't you just here with me the last couple of hours? We went to a _clinic _because of him."

"I want to talk to him. I want to know if he knows…" Her voice nearly broke as Sharon agreed.

"But I'm not leaving you." She bargained as Angela walked out of the car, her footsteps seeming so loud in disruptive, but still not even comparing to the chaos in her mind.

She knocked on the door, her plaid shirt half-hanging off to reveal a white tank top. Angela was going to _sleep _with him tonight but that was before … 

"Red." He opened the door suddenly and ushered her in. Immediately Angela noticed that he wasn't alone. Rayanne.

"What's she doing here?"

"Come on Angela join the party." Her old friend urged as Angela realized that they were both getting high, _together_.

"Did you not remember that I was coming over?" She wondered, fury rising in her voice. Here she was, worried about him having a fatal virus, more worried about him than _herself_, and he was on cloud 9 by now.

"Shh." Jordan pressed his lips up against hers, backing Angela into a wall.

"Jordan … Jordan, stop it." She fought with him a little before he backed off. Then all kinds of thoughts ran through her mind. They said HIV was not contagious, that you could only get it from bodily fluids but didn't saliva count?

Angela knew she was being ridiculous, but this whole situation was like a bad episode from a Public Announcement.

"What's your problem?" He asked after a while, half-smiling.

"This is serious. I need to talk to you."

"Then talk." He demanded jerk-like, sitting down next to Rayanne and wrapping his arm around her neck.

"You need to go to the clinic with me."

"Do you have something?" He laughed and so did Rayanne.

"No Jordan. It's not funny … you may have HIV."

"What's that?" He wondered, still chuckling but Rayanne wasn't.

"It's serious. People die from that." She stood up suddenly, looking extremely pale. Angela wanted to ask why, but since Jordan had snatched off her rose-colored glasses, she figured it out.

They had slept together and possibly … again.

"I think I'm going to be sick." Rayanne rushed out of the room. Heaving sounds followed.

"So Rayanne again?" Angela wondered crying. "I trusted you … and I love you so much Jordan but I don't know what to do."

"You're like mad?" He looked confused. It was so much harder to talk to him like this.

"Yes. And hurt." Angela bit her lip. "Please get checked out." She bumped into the counter on her way out thinking that this time it was over. This life wasn't for her and she just couldn't do it.

* * *

"So did Brian tell you about the double date?" Danielle wondered once her sister was home. The parents were coming in late tonight so there was no one to drive Angela crazy, except Danielle who had just walked in from … whatever activity she did.

Angela never took the time to notice or care very much what her sister did.

"I'm busy."

"Don't shut the door yet. Please… It was my idea. I really like Brian and he's been nice to me lately."

Angela shut the door. Angry, confused, upset.

"I never ask you for anything." Danielle pleaded from the other side of the door.

"Go away." **…**

"Angela, don't be such a grouch."

Angela opened the door abruptly. "Did he tell you we almost slept together a few months ago? He was all over me." Danielle's face crumpled and that was all Angela needed to see.

She thought it would make her feel better, but the hurt was still there and now on top of that, she felt guilt.

* * *

So Angela Chase had gone from being this lost confused niner with super liberal friends to being a half-boring blonde who walked down the hallways with … nobody. She wished at that moment that Jordan would walk up to her, say something sweet and hold her hand.

So everyone could see and know that he was hers.

But Jordan didn't work that like on cues or anything. He was just random and most of the time he was just randomly MIA, which left Angela to have to brave it through the crowd of high school kids and try not to feel that she was invisible.

It would be a lot easier not to feel that way if people didn't keep _stepping _on her. Just when she thought her feet had had enough, apparently life did too, but tossed Sharon in her face.

The HIV thing. It was written all over her face.

"How's your mom?"

"Still alive if that's what you're asking. I've been trying to find out everything about the disease but … it looks like a death sentence."

"Doctors will figure something out. Your mom is _not _going to die." Angela reassured her.

"And what about my best friend?"

"Are you pregnant again?" Angela wondered, feeling just as sour as that brash comment she had just made.

"No. But … I want to thank you for that. You have no idea what it would've been like."

"And Bobby?"

"As long as I'm there, he's fine."

"You're still with him? Sharon … what if he hits you again?"

"I'm kind of getting used to it. It's kind of like his way of showing me that he loves me. If he didn't care, he wouldn't get so emotional."

"Do you hear yourself?"

"Can you relax Angela? I was trying to make a joke. Lighten the mood up since …"

"Since what?"

"It's been a week today. We can find out if you're going to be okay."

* * *

Angela didn't need a clinic to tell her that she'd been stupid and she was HIV positive. She sighed to herself, wanting to do one more thing before Sharon took her to hear her death sentence.

"Do you have a piece of paper and a pen? I need to leave a note to someone."

"Sure. I'll wait on the steps for you."

"Thank you Sharon for … being a true friend to me."

* * *

When Angela had stuffed the short letter into the locker, she was sure that it would just be Sharon and her taking the walk on the plank today.

She joined her friend on the steps to see that Jordan was sitting beside her and they were talking heatedly.

"Let's go Sharon." Angela said, ignoring Jordan whose dark eyes were piercing hers, once again.

"I want to go with you." Jordan admitted. "I want to be sure you're like … okay."

"Fine." Angela agreed. "Let's just get this over with."

* * *

"Well Angela. I'd like to first start off by giving you these." The woman working at the clinic handed her a stack of pamphlets all dedicated to one thing—HIV/AIDS.

The fear in Angela's eyes was undeniable. She looked at Jordan for comfort, but he was only avoiding her gaze, as though he were guilty. And she knew that it wasn't going to be good.

"Sweetie, you can relax. You are _not _HIV positive. There's no trace of AIDS or any other STD. But be careful. Your blood count is showing a little low. You might have anemia." The lady continued as Angela thanked her.

"You can go to the front desk for more information on safe sex practices."

Jordan watched Angela glide away, thankful that he hadn't completed sullied her life. "So … is the test like easy?"

"Sure." The nurse started to explain the process, convincing Jordan to get tested, but he was sure he already knew that he wouldn't be so lucky.

"See you in a week?"

"Yeah…"

* * *

Angela had been too quick to write and dump that letter into Brian's locker. That was the farthest thing from her mind when Jordan dropped her off at his house, still silent.

Even though Angela knew that she was not dying because of some weird virus, she couldn't even celebrate, at least not with Jordan. And who knew if he was safe from it too? She was just too tired to bring it up again and not sure how much she trusted Jordan anymore.

"I'll see you tomorrow." He whispered as Angela hopped out of the car.

"Do you like … think we should keep doing this?"

"Doing what?"

"You like doing all of this stuff and me still being with you is hard." Angela admitted, her emotions just pouring out like a waterfall. "Do you know like how much I want to be with you? You just make it so hard."

"I want to be with you."

"How can that be true when you've slept with Sharon's _mom, _not to mention Rayanne again? I'm surprised that you're not like high again like you always are."

"I was waiting until I got back to Tito's house."

"Jordan, I want you to stop. I want you to like stop getting high and sleeping around if you're going to be with me." Angela braced herself for Jordan to dump her then and there. It would probably be best for the both of them, but it would feel like the world came crashing down on her.

"I'll like … try. But stop trying to dump me."

"I'm not."

"You love me?"

"I do." Angela nodded wholeheartedly.

"Then like … stick with me. I promise I'll get this shit together Red … it's me and you."

Angela nodded, leaving the car in silence. It was then that she saw Brian from across the street, watching her.

Brian had just finished reading the note that he found in his locker, and looked up to see Angela there, outside and across the street.

Jordan had dropped her off, but it seemed irrelevant with him finally knowing how she felt about him. Brian tucked the note into his pocket and sprinted into he caught up with her. Panting in front of her, he realized that he didn't know what to say.

"Sorry." Angela mumbled as the two of them collided, as she kept walking. She looked really … down and Brian didn't want her to feel that way, ever.

"You're like … pretty amazing." He answered out-of-the-blue.

"I know I shouldn't have like … said anything to you. I'm sorry. You have a right to be mad."

"No. That's not what I meant."

Angela paused for a moment.

"What's going on with you Brian?"

"Nothing. I'm just not … mad at you anymore." He stopped himself from going any further about the note. Maybe he misread something between the lines because she definitely did not look like someone who was into him … like _that_.

"You don't have to do this because you feel sorry for me."

"I don't." Brian answered back quickly. "See you at school tomorrow." His hand briefly rested on her shoulder as Angela remained frozen for a little while longer.

And she was frozen with the certainty that she absolutely liked Brian Krakow in a way she never had before.

* * *

Brian was anxious for class to end. He knew that his last period class was right across from where Angela's was today and like … he could steal her away for a second.

He'd spent the last week thinking about how he was going to respond to that letter and all of the possible scenarios for Angela's reaction since he'd talked to her a little over a week ago.

But when he finally saw her, he realized that this was going to be a lot more difficult than she thought.

Her hair looked lively and shiny today, like she'd washed it with that Apple-scented shampoo and it was much longer than it had seemed last night, dipping past her shoulders almost past the blade.

"Hey Brian." She recognized him before he could say a word.

"Hey." He took strides to match hers until they were in sync. "How was like … everything today?"

"School is over for a little while, so I'm like … glad to have a break."

"What will you be doing?"

"I don't know. Maybe Jordan and I will have plans?" She shrugged.

"Can I like … talk to you without everyone around?"

Angela nodded as the two found a quiet place on the side of the school building where no one usually went, except the custodians who took out the trash.

"I got the letter."

"I was wondering when that would come up. I like wrote it because … I thought I was going to die or like be dead."

"You're dying?"

"False alarm." She gave Brian a small smile. "So if I like confused you, I'm sorry."

"So you don't feel that way about me?"

"No … I do but, I just don't want to." Angela looked down as Brian pressed his lips together, moving closer to her.

"I've like … told you this before but you're the only girl that I've ever loved Angela. I've wanted to be with you forever and this letter made me think-"

"I shouldn't have wrote it. I should've kept my thoughts to myself. I'm sorry." She sighed. "I was just trying to be like you and like … express things."

Brian wanted to ask her to stop saying she was sorry because it was making everything worse but, he was never the type to hurt anybody's feelings, even at the expense of his own.

"Can I like give you my response?"

"You wrote me a letter?" Angela's eyes lit up as if she were interested in seeing what he wrote.

"No. Maybe I should go."

Angela reached for him and hugged him. "I'm sorry."

"I'm glad you're not dead even if … you're still going to go back to Jordan." Brian answered back, pressing his forehead to hers after the embrace was over.

He couldn't let go or let this go. This moment was almost perfect.

Angela stayed still as if she were afraid of what would happen. Brian was too impatient to wait any longer and lose the moment. His lips slid over hers so smoothly as if the awkwardness of the situation was not in the air.

Angela kissed him back hurriedly, her lips feeling like soft rose petals. But it was the intention behind it that changed. Last time she kissed him, it was like a chore. This time, she seemed to genuinely want it from someplace deep inside.

"It can't go further than this." Angela whispered before pulling away. "Last time I asked you for sex … I won't like do it again."

"I know."

"And you've brought Danielle into this. Like, I don't _care _what she does but I don't want to hurt her like this."

"Me either."

"So I can be your friend, but that's it for like … ever."

"Got it." Brian nodded, scooping her chin into his hands and kissing her again. It was so sweet and he could easily get addicted to her.

"I mean it." Angela took in a deep breath. "No more kissing. Promise." She demanded.

"Okay… I…. pro …. Mise." Brian agreed in between a series of breathtaking kisses that left Angela smiling. She had never seen this side of him before … like playful. It was cute. And he was off limits.

"Good … so can you walk me home, friend?" She wondered and Brian nodded, unable to stop his hand from caressing hers.

"I'll still love you Angela." Brian responded boldly, bringing her hand, intertwined with his, to his lips. "Is this allowed?"

"For now." Angela laughed back. It felt good to laugh and to have a reason to.

* * *

The results were no surprise to Jordan. It was like a testament to his reckless lifestyle and the countless woman that he'd slept with, some for money and freedom, others due to intoxication, and the few that he attempted to have a relationship with, namely Angela.

He had been pacing around Tito's house, thinking about how to tell her. He'd screwed it up again, but still somehow Jordan found himself in front of her house, banging on the door even though it was nearly midnight.

"Yes?" Ms. Chase opened the door with tired, wild eyes.

"Is Angela in?"

"Yes but it's too late for visitors. Come back tomorrow." She started to close the door in his face.

"Please … it's like life or death … or something." Jordan tried to articulate the situation.

"I'm sorry. It'll have to wait." She bolted the door and went back up stairs. Dejected, Jordan begrudgingly walked back to his car and leaned on the side of the driver's seat, trying to decide what to do.

"Wait!" He heard a half-whisper, half-yell come from behind him. "What are you doing here?"

"I took the test."

"The HIV test?"

"Yeah." By now, Jordan was terrified.

"And you're okay?" He saw Angela's look go from worried to excited. Jordan just shook his head.

"How's that possible? I'm fine but you're not?" Angela's eyes were now red-rimmed and brimming with tears. "Oh my God … so you're going to die?"

"I don't know what's going to happen to me." Jordan answered, trying to keep to together as Angela buried her face into his chest.

"You can't die on me." She just kept repeating. "I mean … do you know how it happened or …"

"Get in the car. There's something else you don't know about me and my mom."

* * *

**The note:**

_Brian, I left out the Dear because I think you're being stupid about this whole thing, almost just as stupid as I am. I've been looking over all the things that you like wrote me and I understand why you've never said them. It's a lot easier to be honest with yourself than if you have a crowd. I really don't know the purpose of this letter or like anything. Why I kissed you. Why I like … liked it or why you won't even talk to me anymore. I guess I have changed and let Jordan get to me, but he's like the reason that I get up each day. For him. Which is why I want you to know that it's okay if you're like with Danielle. I'm not mad anymore. But if you told me that you'd rather be with me and you let her down gently, I wouldn't be mad at that. I'd be pretty flattered. I would probably like that. I might even kiss you again, if you'd let me. But Brian, know that I'm going through a crazy time. I'm saying things that I probably shouldn't and being more honest than I'd ever dared be. But like … something happened to me when I realized that I like you, soccer boy, and that scares me because I don't think I could ever give up on Jordan. But I don't think I'd ever want to like be … gone without knowing if I should've been like chasing you the whole time._

* * *

(A/N: The next chapter is it … but I still have to write it and you guys know how long I take to do that… Go ahead and tell me how you feel about this chapter. Also, **check out **_Beautiful Goodbye, I Shouldn't Still Love You, _and _The Truth Is_ ... **shameless promotion**. Love! –NL)


	12. When Wings Beat the Night Sky Above

**Chapter Twelve: When Wings Beat the Night Sky Above the Ground, Will I Unwillingly Shoot Them Down**

(A/N: Oops. This story has been done for over 2 months now. I just forgot to post...Thanks for your support. Luv. -NL)

* * *

Angela found herself back where she customarily was with Jordan, in the passenger seat of his car, going along for the ride of wherever he decided to take them only, she didn't feel like she was just riding with him. Just there. She felt like she new Jordan more deeply than ever before and felt horrible about being so judgmental about the Rayanne thing.

They'd lost so much time together and worse … she felt bad for ever thinking for a moment that she liked Brian. He was never able to make her feel the way Jordan did. It was like she was the only girl in the universe.

Angela reached over to hold Jordan's hand as he started to explain how he got HIV.

"I got it from my mom." Jordan explained quickly, diverting his gaze from hers. He had never told anyone this, and by admitting this, another story was about to be revealed.

"So, you were born with it?" Angela guessed, looking at him with a flash of innocence, which is what Jordan had always liked about her most.

It was either agree with her assumption or tell him the truth. He wasn't _born _with it and he'd gotten it from his mother … It wouldn't take Angela too long to put it all together and to see that Jordan was a lot worse for her than she'd ever known.

"Yeah … something like that."

"So you've known all this time?"

"No." Jordan sighed. "I didn't know until … a few years ago there was this older girl I was seeing who thought she might have been pregnant. We got the pregnancy test and … I guess I found out from there."

"Why didn't you say anything to me?" Angela asked, feeling rejected. "You have something so serious going on with Jordan. How can we be together but you not say anything?"

"I-I didn't want to lose you again." He sighed. "It's selfish but-"

"Are you at least seeing a doctor? Maybe there's a way that you won't … die."

"I don't want to talk about this anymore." He sighed. "It's like really hard… but I am sorry. I promise not to keep important stuff from you again." Jordan swore.

"Good."

"I'm glad you're okay." Jordan breathed a sigh of relief, one for still managing to keep Angela through all of this and second, because he didn't have to tell the _real _reason that he was HIV positive, the real reason that he'd spent so many nights at Tito's and the truth of why he hated _her_ so much.

Jordan tried to shut it out of his mind, but it replayed itself over and over. The first time she'd ripped off his pants, touched him there and then forced herself onto him. He tried to seem interested in what Angela was saying, but all he wanted was to get high. To get high and forget the years of on-going abuse from his mom and to forget his father who'd forced him this lifestyle.

* * *

"Can you imagine what it must be like to not even be able to confide in anyone and for your mom to be the reason … He's so brave for telling me."

"Jordan has had such a hard life." Brian mumbled dryly. He came here so that he could be here with Angela, hold her hand and watch her. What he didn't want to hear about was Jordan Catalano.

"He's got no one. You don't have the best relationship with your parents and mine are in their own world, but they love us and we always can count on them."

"Can we … like not talk about Jordan?" Brian wondered thinking about the last time he kissed her and how she'd looked that day.

There was so much hope and everything was so easy. Now, she looked worried her eyes darting back and forth trying to figure Jordan out.

"I know you're jealous, but can you be my friend for a second?"

"I am your friend. Why else would I like listen to all of this without you even asking me about how I'm doing?" Brian wondered, thinking that no matter what, it would always be like this.

"I thought you were okay with the situation."

"I lied."

"It's been like a day Brian. Give yourself a chance to get used to this."

"I've been doing this since I was like nine Angela." He sighed. "You don't even realize how like … perfect you are to me. I don't want to hear about Jordan. I don't care about his HIV or his sadness. I only care about you."

There was silence for a while before Angela found the right words to say.

"I guess that's it."

"What do you mean?" Brian wondered, ready to back down at any moment. He'd do just about anything to have Angela.

"Jordan and I are together and I really love him. If I'm going to be in your life, then you have to learn how to deal with Jordan. I'm not going to stop talking about him or thinking about him-"

"Then like … let me know how that works out." Brian stood up, fed up with Angela playing his heart strings.

"Brian…"

"I mean it. I think we should take a break from our friendship."

"You don't mean that." Angela answered back, by the swift and determined look from Brian Krakow said something different.

* * *

A few months had passed since Jordan's shocking secret was revealed, or partially revealed as the whole mom-molestation part had yet to surface. Angela was back to being wrapped up in Jordan so much so that he was skipping class to be with him.

She was sure that they were going to make it through the remaining years of high school torture and beyond. For now, though, she was super excited to hear his new song.

He'd been working on something amazing for Angela and here she was, at the club, the closest to the stage.

"We're Frozen Embryos here to rock your night!" Tito started as Angela laughed to herself. They'd changed back the band name again from Residue and Mystic Soul, which was what they'd decided on light night.

"I'd like to start off with one of our favorites. It's called 'Red.'" Jordan added, winking at Angela as they went through a collection of angsty, slow, fast, and random songs. When they'd gotten to the last one, Jordan spoke once again. "This is something new that I've been working on for someone special… Angela."

Her cheeks now rose up higher than before. Angela was gushing. Jordan's lyrics were unbelievable and she was once again mesmerized by everything he did. He was just too beautiful.

As they were wrapping up, Jordan rushed off the stage immediately. People were reaching for him and praising him for his talent, but he was only looking at Angela this time.

Their hands met as electricity boomed between them. They should never had been apart for so long. Angela looked up at him with wide-eyed innocence, so convinced that he would be everything that she needed forever.

Jordan held onto her, keeping her close knowing that once she knew everything, he could lose Angela Chase forever. And for someone like Jordan, who never really any relationship of substance with a girl, that would be too hard to bear.

Their moment was perfect. It was a dream and then … there was Sharon Cherjewski's mom to bring them back to reality.

"You knew! You little bastard. You knew you had HIV the entire time!" She poked him angrily with Sharon wide-eyed in the background, unaware that her mother would do this once she'd finally told her that he had a show tonight.

"Ms. Cherjewski, Jordan never meant…" Angela's voice trailed off as she started to defend him blindly. Jordan had mentioned a girl who was pregnant, but if that's how he found out … then he must've been sleeping with someone while he was with Angela. Because otherwise … her head started to spin.

"I'm sorry." He apologized, taking Angela's hand again as they fled from the drama.

"Did you know?"

"What?" Jordan wondered once they were both inside of his car.

"I can't take anymore surprises Jordan. Please, tell me everything about your past and I promise after that it'll be forgotten. Just … no more lies." She begged as Jordan sighed and then recounted the entire story, this time fully explaining the parent situation and admitting that yes, he had known he had HIV when he'd slept with all of those women.

* * *

Sharon had no other choice. She had to tell Ms. Chase what kind of guy Angela was dating, and with Brian by her side to corroborate the story, Ms. Chase had to listen.

And she did. Today was week two of the Angela-Jordan probation and by now, Angela was tired. Tired of crying and running through his story in her mind.

She hadn't even had a chance to talk to him, not with Sharon playing watchdog at school and her dad safeguarding the house. Jordan probably thought that she hated them, when all she wanted to do was hold him and tell him everything would be fine.

If nothing else, the two weeks had given Angela time to think about getting a place for just her and Jordan, so he didn't have to be around his sick parents and so that she didn't need her mom's permission to go out and see him.

Didn't they see _Romeo and Juliet _and how the both died from the pain of being apart? Angela wasn't there yet, but being locked in her room was getting to her.

But tonight was going to be a good night. Jordan had slipped a note into her locker about meeting up at her house. Well, actually it said … 'Let's talk,' in true, Jordan Catalano curtness.

She watched the clock, waiting until the designated hour before she asked permission to go over to Brian's house to work on a school project.

* * *

Meanwhile, Brian was rapidly figuring out that fate was trying to bring him and Angela together. Plus, now Angela was forbidden to see Jordan, which was even better.

But, the HIV thing was essentially a death wish to anyone who wasn't loaded enough to pay for the meds. And Jordan definitely wasn't.

Brian didn't want him to die, but Angela would no longer be able to use Jordan as the excuse for why they couldn't be together … and Danielle? He'd stopped taking her out on dates as soon as he had gotten Angela's note.

But Brian also knew that the way to Angela's heart was not just to say things or show her that he cared about her deeply, but it was through writing, through a song.

She liked that. He carefully folded up a copy of his latest attempts at being Jordan Catalano, lyrics that came straight from his heart. Brian, jolly off of the high of knowing he'd finally have her, walked across the street to the Chase house, but only made it halfway before he saw Angela and Jordan making out, like nothing had happened.

* * *

Brian was angry. He was hurt. But most of all, he was done with this. Crumbling up the lyrics about his love for Angela, he rushed back across the street, hoping that no one had noticed his embarrassment.

He slammed the door and rushed to his room where he was free to cry and let out his frustrations. Yes, boys do cry.

And those poor, thoughtful lyrics continued on their path to Angela, blowing in the wind until they made it to Jordan's feet, just as he bent down to pick up that candy necklace that Angela had worn around her neck.

"What's that?" She wondered, the egg-white paper standing out on a street that was litter-free and spotless.

"Lyrics." Jordan opened it up as Angela read them out loud:

_Come to my window_  
_Crawl inside, wait by the light_  
_of the moon_  
_Come to my window_  
_I'll be home soon_

_I would dial the numbers_  
_Just to listen to your breath_  
_I would stand inside my hell_  
_And hold the hand of death_  
_You don't know how far I'd go_  
_To ease this precious ache_  
_You don't know how much I'd give_  
_Or how much I can take_

_Just to reach you_

"You wrote this, didn't you?" Angela asked, not believing that the lyrics would just pop out of nowhere. "I love it. It's beautiful."

"I like … love you too." Jordan answered in his hauntingly beautiful raspy voice that Angela was sure she wouldn't mind hearing for the rest of her life.

She held onto Jordan tightly knowing that she was in love with this, with him, that she would fight with him and she was actually starting to like the fact that their relationship could endure anything.

Most of all, she was able to keep her dream of Angela and Jordan alive.

* * *

(A/N: After years of pining over this story, not really … I just forgot to keep writing or got too busy … I've finally put it to rest. I don't plan on starting anymore for this TV show, sadly but thank you all again! Luv. –NL)

Oh, here are some of my other MSCL fics you should check out:

**Beautiful Goodbye**

**I Shouldn't Still Love You **

*There is one more, but these are the best!


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